A Peek at Purpose (FYI--Religious Post)

I think that at times in our lives we are given glimpses of the profound and those little moments help sustain us and represent some of the most incredible learnings of our lives.  I kind of feel like our recent experiences with Matthew will be/are a proving ground for me--an opportunity to really understand some of those insights that I have always considered most personally impactful.  Today, as I've reflected on this week (and I admit, I've been a bit more emotional and introspective than normal), there are three insights that I'm SUPER grateful for, but realize I'm staring at my testimony with the phrase "to know and not to do is really not to know" running through my head.  I've gotta show I believe some of those treasured insights now.

The first insight came while I was on a business trip with Stephen Covey.  We were in Paris, France in a little cafe and he seemed nervous (Stephen does not get nervous).  And serious....another uncharacteristic trait.  (Side note:  he used to always taunt me with things like "do you want crazy or boring?" to try and get me to be more "fun" on our trips...so he certainly wasn't known for being serious when we weren't working).   Anyway, he told me that he had been praying about something and wanted to make sure that he shared it with me in a way that I would understand and not take offense to.  I had been dating this dude that I knew I shouldn't marry and I had shared with Stephen some of my thoughts and concerns.  In response to those conversations, I think he felt like he needed to be sensitive in the way he approached our little chat.  I had been trying to "force" my relationship with this guy to be right--trying to change the things about it that weren't working, including things about him that I thought needed to be different.  I really wanted to be married and start a family (I was 29 at the time...about to turn 30) and almost felt scared that it was never going to happen.  The gist of what Stephen shared with me that day was this....there is a big difference between being faithful and being full of faith.  Being faithful means that we are doing the right things--usually for the right reasons.  Being faithful isn't something I struggle with.  I like going to church, throwing myself into callings, making good things happen.  Stephen said that I almost have a disease brought on at his encouraging.  I am (was...no longer is this part true) arrogant enough to believe that I can fix anything through R&I--Resourcefulness and Initiative.  He'd always say, when we were faced with the impossible, "make it happen, Jewels.  R&I."  And I'd figure out a way!  Well, life, unlike business and most of the circumstances we found ourselves in, isn't actually controlled by those who have R&I.  The "higher law" of faith, if you will, is to sometimes just sit back...and do nothing.  Let God work the miracles.  It's almost like we are sometimes arrogant enough to think we can work them ourselves--making mountains move through our own effort rather than recognizing that it is the power of our loving Father than makes the miracles happen.  My Matthew is the ultimate test of my R&I.  Just two days ago, for example, we were on a bike ride and he wanted to go up the hill...there was a busy street at the top of said hill and I wanted him to turn and go the other way.  After an epic tantrum, I got creative and attempted to ride the tricycle myself and sprawl his body across me to get him down the hill, given that he literally had plastered himself to the ground in protest when I tried to get him to turn around and ride himself.  I got head-butted and almost ran both of us into the sticker bushes.  He ended up, during the course of our trek home, wandering into a ravine, throwing about 7 more tantrums that would put any 2-yr old to shame and making life very difficult for his other two siblings who were trying to ride along with us. R&I does NOT work with Matthew.  I cannot control, fix, or even change my son through all the effort in the world.  I almost have to just sit back and let God work the miracles for him.  I cannot create Matthew miracles.

The second came, again, at the hand of Mr. SRC.  He gave me a talk by Elder David A. Bednar called "In the Strength of the Lord" and told me it was one of the best talks he had ever read.  We were in FL at the time and actually had a free morning.  Our rooms were adjoining and we opened the door, he wandered in and set the talk on my desk having just finished it.  He then went back into his room and started doing yoga and calling out the names of the poses as he did.  In the middle of all of that distraction, I attempted to read this talk for the first time.  I eventually gave up and joined him in saluting the sun and cobra poses.  But I went back to that talk...probably a dozen or more times.  The main point of several that keeps coming back to me now is that, through and because of our Savior's atonement, we can be given strength beyond our own in times of need.  We tend to ask for what we want (our will) in our moments of desperation--ask for some difficult thing to be be taken away or somehow made better.  Rather, sometimes the burden/trial/experience is exactly what we need to become better people.  So instead of being removed from it, why not ask for the strength to endure it well--strength that we know is beyond our own capacity.  Through faith (if we are full of faith) we can be given that strength.  Matthew requires that of me.  There are mornings when I wake up with dread because I don't know if I literally have the energy to get him dressed (if you've ever witnessed the battle that can be, you'd appreciate why I say that).  Or there are days when I realize that my patience is completely spent and I cannot have him pee in the middle of the floor, bang another cupboard, rip another book, make another mess, pull his sister's hair, or find another destructive activity and not completely lose it on him and call CPS on myself.  Those are the days when I pray for "patience beyond my own."  With this new diagnosis, I still want to pray for him to be healed--for this burden to be removed because that is what it feels like right this second...a forever burden. Rather, I am going to try to pray for strength beyond my own so that I can learn what I need to from this.  If this is Matthew's protection in life, Liam and Adi's gift to help them be more tolerant and loving towards others, who am I to pray that they be deprived of any of those blessings?  And how sad if Todd and I miss out on the gift that this amazingly charming, though incredible challenging, child is in our lives because we are so focused on changing our circumstances.

The third just came yesterday when Todd was talking about another talk by Elder Bednar that he recently heard ("That We Might 'Not...Shrink'"), the gist of which was almost a summary of my first two learnings.  There are times in our lives where we will pray for miracles--the miracle of healing, being one incident.  Our responsibility isn't to dictate the outcome, but to believe that God has the power to heal.  Having that faith is SO HARD because it requires us to let go of the outcome part--to recognize that His will prevails in all cases.  And whether or not our "wills" align, we need to know, as in really KNOW, that He has that capacity.  How hard is it to believe that and then be deprived of that healing?  How do you keep the faith under those circumstances?  That is almost the definition, however, of being full of faith....letting him work the miracles according to His will.  That's almost the higher high law.  My Matthew might not be healed, but I know that God COULD make him talk....make him whole....make him perfect.  He might, or He might not.  Regardless, I believe He can.  Whether or not He does is almost irrelevant at this point, even though that is absolutely my will.  What I need to do is work on my faith so that I am strong enough to know that and believe that....and to do that.  To know and not to do.....right?