Regression

 My heart hurts as I finally sit down to write this long-overdue post.  I think I literally stopped writing because I couldn't put my heart on paper adequately.  Rather than trying to say the right words though, I am choosing to prioritize just sharing the story because I recognize the value in the process and the learning that takes place throughout it.  I'm so tired of it though...and so tired in general as I try to wrap my head and heart around everything.  I never stop thinking about it.

About a year ago, we started noticing some dramatic behavior changes in Matt--he started to become increasingly agitated, easily frustrated, less inclined toward preferred activities, harder to satiate, impossible to please, and generally unhappy.  The mood in our house started to decline because when Matt isn't happy, ain't nobody happy since he makes it his mission to express his displeasure in the loudest ways possible. 

Literally the day before schools closed and everything started shutting down (pandemic), I took Matt to see his psychiatrist to talk about a med change.  I took all three kids and the doctor asked Adi to describe what our house I like.  I was in tears as I started to recognize that, though I take the brunt of Matt's aggression and displeasure, it was profoundly impacting my other two kids and I couldn't even see it because I was so blinded by the behaviors in front of my face. My own lens was blocking my view.  

We started trying to mess with meds and had a front row seat as thing after thing worked or didn't work.  Matt stopped sleeping at one point....so we had to put him on a mood stabilizer that had a sedative in it.  We went night after night with literally minutes of sleep (we would sleep in shifts) and then watched as Matt would claw his way through the day, so exhausted that he was hyper and literally unable to make himself sleep.  When we got that under control, the next thing started...and thus we cycled through challenges and behaviors. 

At one point, the behavior of choice was screaming.  I'm not talking roller-coaster scream of excitement.  I'm talking ear-splitting, horror movie, I'm being stabbed with a thousand knives screams that last long and are so loud you can literally feel it in your insides.  Our ears hurt.  Todd started to feel like he was losing his hearing and saw a specialist who made him ear plugs to block out the high-pitched sounds.  The other two kids would just plug their ears or scream back at him.  I wanted to hit him or hurt him to make him stop, and that is a VERY scary place to be as a parent--to wonder when you are going to actually lose control...not IF you will.  I would crumple into a puddle of tears when it was at its worst and hide....trying to shut it out.  We even started to look into the possibility of surgery on his vocal cords because we couldn't figure out how this could possibly be anything but totally damaging to him as well. 

The thing that stunk the most is that I realized in the middle of all of this that I was so worried about myself and how it was impacting me and the other two kids (as well as Todd, though he's a big boy and told me in no uncertain terms how he felt about it), that I forgot to feel sorry for Matt.  I forgot to think about how painful it must be to have something to say and not be able to do anything but scream to express...and then to have someone try to shut that off.  It started to feel like a tick--what a horrible tick to have!  

Over the course of several months, it finally started to, almost imperceptibly, decrease.  We started to realize he wasn't doing it as much or as often and that our attempts to ignore the behavior were actually paying off a little.  Then came a new set of struggles. 

Matt started peeing his pants several months ago.  He would just randomly, after going potty, pee again.  I started to wonder if it was a loss of bladder control or something else...it felt like something else.  Then he started pooping his pants during the day (highly unusual for him--used to only poop in the morning) and I realized that it might be an inability to differentiate between the muscles used for each--that he may have felt the urge to poop and when he pushed, pushed out pee as well. After changing his pants a million times a day, I finally put him in pull ups during the days where he was peeing more often and then, gradually, he ended up in pull ups the entire time.  He has now regressed in his control to the point that he sits on a chair and tries to push out pee.  We can't go 30 minutes without finding pee in his pull up.  He seems to have completely lost control and constantly pushes out pee.  

Add to that the fact that his speech and ability to articulate have declined as well.  I saw a video the other day from 2018 and realized just how well he was enunciating his words.  I bawled because I hadn't realized just how profound the regression in speech has been until that moment.  He is drooling more, slurring more and more, and just struggling to pronounce things in a coherent way like he used to.  

Todd and I have started to have those marriage-rocking heart-wrenching, soul-shredding conversations that no parent ever wants to have about whether or not we can sustain what we have long term.  Matt has become so strong that we can't physically manage him when he doesn't want to be managed.  If he refuses to do something, there is nothing I can do with all my muscle and force to change his course or trajectory. He scratches, hits, and has knocked me over on a number of occasions.  He has injured me more than once in a way that scares me...not because he intends to, but precisely because he doesn't.  And I can't keep up. Todd watches this and worries, but can't do a thing about it while he is at work and I think that worries him.  

I write this not so that anyone would feel sorry for me if they ever read it, but to point out a few dramatic lessons that we have learned through this process. 

1.  Puberty sucks.  A lot of this could be explained by puberty. Not for the faint of heart.  Wish we could skip it. 

2.  My role is Mom.  I keep trying to figure all of this out on my own. I can't.  Why do I keep thinking I need to?  Neurology has instructed us to do an MRI to rule out a brain tumor.  I have found (finally) a developmental pediatrician who will hopefully jump in the game as QB. I have relied heavily on therapists, school specialists, his teacher, and our angel respite provider who has made a heart-connection with Matt that I can't even explain, but has blessed our lives profoundly because we have a reprieve with her help.  But I can't even be her.  I can just be Mom.  Mom is enough.  I am enough.  It's ok to not only accept, but seek out that help. 

3.  Matt's life is teaching us SO many beautiful lessons that we couldn't learn without these trials.  I have always said that Matt saves us from us--we would be so different, distracted, misaligned at times without the grounding force of realizing we have a unique, special spirit in our homes that robs us of our ability to be anything but totally connected to him and each other.  

4. God is SO MINDFUL of this....every part of it.  People popped up, help came, and no desperate cry ever went unanswered, in both direct and indirect ways.  We always had the help we needed, or the stamina when there was no help.  Matt would miraculously be better when we had our worst days emotionally.  Somehow, someway, we were never left alone or abandoned, emotionally or physically (and especially not spiritually) throughout this entire process.  I read an amazing quote the other day: "Given the tremendous importance of these virtues (virtues that the Savior possesses) now and in the world to come, should we be surprised if, to hasten the process, the Lord gives us, individually, the relevant and necessary clinical experiences?"  God is trying to make something of each of us, individually and collectively, and this current clinical has the potential to hasten the growth He is so carefully nourishing through this specifically trial. 

5.  Comparison murders peace. I have found myself resenting parts of this clinical at times, envious as I watch others in the pandemic read books, do puzzles, hike, relax, spend time together, bond, rejuvenate.  Obviously that's not all that happened, but the slower pace forced upon us had so many beautiful aspects to it....and those same gifts represented what felt to me like a prison.  The slower pace sucks the life out of Matt--he needs a plan.  He never is distracted by himself.  He never leaves you alone.  He cannot, for more than a minute two (not exaggerating) entertain himself.  So the lack of other entertainment meant constant torture and unrest in our home, thus increasing the behaviors and exacerbating the problems, raising the stress and heightening the emotions that were already pretty dang intense in our home to start with (we are a gaggle of passionate geese).  When I let myself go down that trail of self-pity and situation-loathing, comparing myself to others or comparing my reality to a picture of what it might be like without Matt, I lost all chance I had of finding peace and joy and even pleasure in my life.  I became like a shell.  I had to consciously shove those thoughts out of my mind and replace them with new ones.  Not that I always did that perfectly, but when I didn't, I would pay an emotional price. 

So here we are in a holding pattern, unable to touch meds until we rule out a brain tumor. Once that is ruled out, we will tackle the possibility of seizures again (long story, but his neurologist said he no longer thinks Matt is having seizures....I might disagree.  Jury's still out).  After that, who knows, but I'm sure I will know when I need to know because, back to point #4, somehow, someway, just when it is needed, help (and in this case, answers) will come.  I have faith.  And I need a nap. 

Protecting the Few or Damning the Masses?

(NOTE: Not very many people read my blog, so this is a place for me to share my thoughts--hash them out, so to speak. I am choosing, however, to address it to the CSD as a whole because of the fact that I want to speak my thoughts as I would present them to the entire administration).

An Open Letter to the Camas School District Administration,

Last night I attended the listening post related to proposed updates to our health curriculum, specifically in 8th and 9/10th grades.  My desire to share some thoughts is NOT motivated by a crusade or cause for/against any particular issue.  Rather, my desire is to reach a balanced outcome that represents a win/win for EVERY student, parent and family in our community, regardless of their standing on the issues that were discussed.  I share the goal of creating safety and belonging for students--a welcoming place for everyone.  I don't think there was a parent there last night who would argue against that goal--we share that mission.

BACKGROUND
Prior to last night, I had been listening a lot as part of numerous conversations about this health curriculum and the WA State legislation related to it--I had attended board meetings where the issue was going to be discussed, talked with members of our community, met with and reached out to members of the administration, and consistently expressed my desire to be part of those discussions.  I was told that the listening post was the right place for that and made aware of the process, which I chose to trust.

My understanding is that the Student Wellness Advisory Committee tackled this initiative first.  That committee includes other health care professionals that can comment with a degree of authority on the topic and research. Data from our district, other school districts approaches, curriculum options, etc. were all considered as part of those discussions.  I assumed that would be a collaborative effort with a variety of viewpoints represented.

I understood that the next step was to get the input from the community to make sure that the curriculum shared with students represented the values of our families (the legislation leaves room for that in how it is stated). The "opt out" option also indemnifies the district from needing to "please" everyone.

LISTENING POST
I felt like the meeting was both a brave and appropriate step that would help build trust.  Sadly, I left feeling like we were being pacified and patronized.  When you approach a conversation with the intent to TRULY listen to someone, you have to be open to the idea that what you are presenting may or may not be the right thing--"no deal" has to be an option in any scenario where you are trying to reach a win/win.  If not, someone loses somewhere--someone has to give something up.  I felt as if we are way past the point where "no deal" is an option and that our input is nothing more than a formality which will be taken back to an already-influenced team (SWAC) where dissent was not welcomed (per members of that team) and discussion should have considered all sides.  I hope I am wrong and that this feedback will be appropriately weighted in the ensuing conversations. I would caution that the way our feedback is managed has the potential to erode trust.

I thought that Lisa did a great job of introducing the conversation and managing it. Dr. Amirta Stark's introductory story was very emotional, but felt persuasive (almost manipulative) vs. informative.  Out of the gate, I felt like there were assumptions made and only one perspective was being represented.  The data and statistics shared, both from CSD students and I assume, research, gave no context and felt anecdotal--for example, suicide-attempt rates of "typical" peers verses those struggling with issues related to gender was 14% compared to 50% and a statement was made that those rates "normalize" when that individual is accepted by their peers.  Other stats related to mental illness, anxiety, depression and other issues were mentioned earlier, but what was missing is the correlation between the two.

CONCERNS
According to a local psychologist, there is a large number (close to 80% in his experience) of those struggling with gender dysphoria who also have a mental illness.  When considering the safety of our students, we need to understand whether the struggles caused the mental illness or some of these issues are the fruit of coping with mental illness.  If we are willing to launch into discussions that lead people to the gender non-conformity trough, we could literally be fueling a fire of anxiety, depression and other issues that we have spent years working to address and to help students battle in this district. We do not have enough data or experience to support either a positive or negative potential outcome related to these interventions.

There was a statement that decisions regarding these topics related to a person's identity were usually made by middle or high school.  To the child who has accepted his penis as a "clue" related to his gender and never explored anything else, this could literally cause the identity crisis we are working to avoid through this content for those who are genuinely facing gender dysphoria. Encouraging kids to examine their sexuality and gender to give themselves a label doesn't legitimize their sexuality or gender.  We don't need to push them to step into a box--telling them they "should" know by now, which is what that statement implied.

To the goal of creating a sense of belonging, I feel so strongly that doing away with SOME stereotypes is a great way to start that....but our society has been trying to break ceilings and debunk stereotypes for years.  This is not a new conversation. In the curriculum, I appreciated the discussion about it and the objective of examining assumptions as a place to start (a very mature "ask" of these kids), but felt the scenarios were presumptive themselves (i.e. "Lonely's" Letter to the advice columnist) and very leading--that implicit in them was the assumption that stereotypes were prompting their reaction (i.e. Bruno's desire to be "tough" because he's a dude prompted his response vs. maybe just feeling like he didn't want to talk about it).  What about the woman who was saved from sexual assault by a man who protected her?  I guarantee she is grateful for the sense of chivalry associated with masculinity that some men have been taught because it literally saved her.  She is grateful that he didn't set aside that stereotype in the name of rejecting a label that society has placed on men and "soften" his approach to be more neutral.

Defining all of the terms was appropriate.  Kids need to know this.  What you understand becomes less scary and in that way, knowledge very literally is powerful. When you are trying to label everything and everyone with a "term" to give people a sense of belonging though, aren't you creating divisions which are the very barricades we were just trying to break down with the discussion about stereotypes?  In our attempt to create unity and belonging, I feel we are building walls with new names.

Questions we might consider that would help ensure we represent a more balanced view might include the following:
Are we catering to a small population in a way that will compromise the safety of the majority?
Are we going to cause additional issues because of the power of suggestion?
Are we presenting content in a way that is suggestive and might cause premature reflection on issues and perpetuate more than the "normal" teen identity crisis?
Are we making gender dysphoria "cool" and encouraging kids to claim it, if for nothing else than to find a place to land?
Are we taking care to present both sides of a delicate issue?
Are we worried about the need to be PC becoming a distraction to teachers trying to educate students?
Is there any intention on the part of the district to adopt additional curriculum for other (younger) grades?  Is this the beginning of a larger movement?
What policies will be impacted as we attempt to systemically reinforce the content of these discussions (i.e. restroom/lockeroom policies)?

RECOMMENDATIONS
In the spirit of transparency, could we see the content in its entirety?  Also, could we see a transcript of all of the data gathered from the listening post?  I would love to know what others felt, especially with opposing viewpoints. I am so aware that my perception is influenced by my personal experience, but I want to be open and educated. Also, it would be great to know that our feedback was captured as intended--that we were truly heard.

So much time, energy and so many resources, financial and otherwise, have gone into this conversation, but I firmly believe we are having the wrong conversation.  We should be talking about tolerance (mutual respect) and teaching skills related to it--PRACTICING listening, empathy, etc.  And what is the rush?  Until we have more data, let's not risk the safety of our students by opening up a discussion where we don't yet fully understand the consequences/implications.

The Demands of True Tolerance

SO this is not the kind of blog that I typically post here, but I feel very strongly about something and need a place to diagram my thoughts with words, if that makes any sense.  It works for me.

I need to offer context before I share what has been ruminating in my brain....

At the end of last school year, I went on a tour of a new project-based learning campus  in our school district that Liam would have the option of attending.  I was super impressed by the school and their learning philosophy as well as the amazing and dedicated people they have working there.  However, the experience left me unsettled--there was a showcase of some of the informational 8th grade research projects based on historically significant events that was presented tradshow style.  At a certain point, three of those groups did a live presentation, including Q&A, and the 5th graders were allowed to participate and coached how to ask appropriate questions about the presentations and their experience.

One of those was about marriage equality.  Because I was curious how that fit in with things like the Great Depression, the CA gold rush, WWI, WWII, MLK, etc., I chose to attend that one.  It did make sense as the girls doing the presentation highlighted significant court cases that led to the legalization of same-sex marriage in the United States.  They did a very nice job of setting that up.  However, as the presentation progressed, they did a role-play that included a girl with same-sex attraction and she was being bullied.  The recommendation of her shoulder-angel is that she learn about other people who had stood up for the rights of a suppressed or otherwise persecuted group and become her own advocate.  Taking courage, the girl becomes a gay-rights advocate and, at the conclusion of the presentation, all four girls "came out" as lesbians and played the lyric "I kissed a girl and I liked it" by Katie Perry.  The Q&A included the admonition "whether you are 13 or 30, you need to decide if you are gay or not"....this encouraged by 8th graders to an audience of 5th graders who also were asking the question "what's a heterosexual?" as part of that same Q&A.

Feeling like they had overstepped the boundary between informational and persuasive, I had conversations with the principal and later the superintendent of the school district, encouraging them to inform parents that this presentation had taken place so that those parents could have conversations with their 5th graders about the topic.  I caught wind of friends and friends of friends whose kiddos came home and were asking things like "am I gay?  Do I need to figure it out?" which made very clear to me that the topic was premature and concerned that it was presented as factual by a trusted, educational source; therefore, the validity of the statement wasn't necessarily being questioned, but rather, what do I (as a 5th grader) need to do with this information.  The power of suggestion in some of the things that were said, though unintentional I'm sure, overstepped what even administrators deemed as appropriate and I believe it probably prompted some discussions among them (though none of that was actually shared with me, so that is speculative).

Liam now attends this school and is thriving.  However, this experience has been followed by others where a teachers sexuality (bisexual) was mentioned to students and where math problems have included statements about "identifying as female."  None of this is super alarming to me, but on the coat-tails of what happened earlier, it has caused some reflection about the place that these conversations have in our school system.

I was recently asked to participate in a committee focused on parent wellness in our district--we are charged with helping to make sure that parents are appropriately equipped/educated when it comes to the social and emotional health of their children/our students.  I LOVE that our district pays attention to that.  The focus on student wellness is admirable, but to realize the massive role that parents play in the social and emotional health of our children and be dedicated to providing them with resources as well is extra-mile effort.  The attention to this topic has led to some amazing experiences and offerings within our district and I'm proud to play a tiny role in making sure that continues...and that the right things are being offered and addressed.  I bring this up because in a recent meeting, some of these ruminating thoughts started to take shape when the issue of health education started to be discussed.

For some time, I have had concerns about the state of WA legislation and subsequent discussion about gender education starting in kindergarten.  That idea seems alarming, so I went to research exactly what that means and found a proposed timeline for what that might look like and was reassured that the discussions would be "age appropriate."  They aren't blasting K with ideas about gender identity....more just making kids aware of gender stereotypes and saying "boys can like pink and girls can like blue.  You don't have to tease them for that."  So don't freak out when you read that sentence.  As I dug deeper and the grade levels got higher, the proposed discussion got more unclear to me, though.  There is a statement in the states legislation that says something like this: how this (gender component of health education) is implemented is left to the discretion of the local community and should reflect the values of those that live there.  So it basically says that the decision of how this plays out will be made locally.

Our district plans to have discussions with a committee of local healthcare providers and others who are charged with advising the district on issues of student wellness.  They then plan to have listening posts with parents who will have the opportunity to express their opinions.  Following that, they will make a decision as to how they want to implement the gender education piece in the overall health curriculum which is already being taught in our district.  They are giving parents the chance to preview it, as is standard, and they always have the option to opt out.

OK.  That is the context.  All of this is swimming around in my head as well as thoughts about how I want to teach my children about these issues specifically--that of gender and sexuality.  They are issues that have moral implications, carry with them a lot of debate and strong feelings. These issues have led to depression and even suicide in those who face confusion or are making life-altering decisions about their own feelings.  I have the utmost compassion for how difficult those choices must be.

I'm sure I'm not phrasing this correctly and might offend someone with the words I use, but please choose to see beyond that to the message.  I will be clear--I believe that God made man and woman and our gender is not a choice we get to make--it is not flexible.  That opinion makes me unpopular in some circles and might offend the mother of a child who feels like they are trapped in a body with the wrong genitalia.  BUT...do not stop reading before you get to this point...I respect her and love her and her child.  I admire the courage with which she supports her child.  I encourage her unconditional love for him or her and support with everything in me that effort to embrace what she didn't choose as a struggle, for her or her kiddo.  THAT right there is the point.  Not the issue....the human.

In our efforts to save those who face these battles and to eliminate, in the states words, any "barriers to learning" (including emotional battles that come as a result ostracizing, bullying, etc), to protect them, the state is looking to education--knowledge is power.  Knowledge helps to, in a way, make less scary things that we might otherwise be afraid of.  It helps us to see with different eyes.  All of those things I support and agree with.  I need to do research to validate my feeling that there is also a "power of suggestion" that needs to be considered as we decide when that is appropriate.  That piece of the puzzle is something that I worry is given less weight than the desperation to protect by encouraging tolerance.

Tolerance.  Buzz word that I feel is so misunderstood.  Tolerance has a responsibility that comes with it--if you demand it, you also offer it. It should not be motivated by a desire to convince people that you are right.  That is persuasion.  A request for tolerance and advocacy for such requires reciprocation.  You should model what you are advocating--its almost a pre-requisite of making the request.

Instead of observing this reciprocation, I see hypocrisy.  I hear cries for tolerance that result in divisiveness--the very people making the plea refusing to acknowledge people who feel differently deserve the same respect and tolerance for that stance.  It is almost as if opposition is not allowed--that in order to be considered tolerant, you have to agree.  Rather, I believe that we should agree to disagree agreeably.  Diversity is magical and creates complimentary strengths, enhances any group in which is exists, and breeds beautiful, open-minded, respectful relationships.  Sameness might come with comfort, but it does not fuel education and personal growth in the same way that differences do.

Society is morally stretching, but not everyone who chooses NOT to compromise certain morals deserves to be labeled as close-minded, criticized or called intolerant.  In fact, I consider myself to be extremely tolerant and do my very best to offer the same genuine respect and love to ALL humans, regardless of their beliefs.  Just because I do not evolve with society in embracing the idea that gender is fluid does not mean that I shun or bash or am afraid of those that do.  The voice of the those who would be considered socially conservative is being silenced out of fear that we might offend someone whose beliefs differ from ours....and yet those who have different beliefs are granted the right to speak out without filter.

My point?  I believe that our focus as a community needs to be on this idea that mutual respect does NOT have boundaries and cannot have caveats--that it needs to include ALL students....like for real.  My morals might not be the norm any more, but my desire not to compromise them deserves the same tolerance that a person whose moral compass points them in a completely different direction, no matter how supported by government, education, society, etc.

We need to be teaching children less how to speak to advocate a cause and more how to listen to preserve or mend a relationship.  We need to preach REAL tolerance rather than "edgy" or popular tolerance.  We need to seek to understand more and work to convince less.  We need to take inventory of our own ability to do this, improve where necessary, and then model it for our children.

To the issue of health, gender and sex education, I suggest that we not "opt out" but rather "opt in" and have pre-emptive conversations with our children so that the only influence they hear is not that of their friends who did attend.  In those conversations with our children, we need to teach them not only what your family believes, but how to respond to those that feel differently.  Teach them that they have a responsibility to offer respect and kindness to EVERYONE; that there is NEVER an excuse to be unkind.

Stephen R. Covey has a quote that I have hung on my wall so my children see it every morning: "Be a light...not a judge.  Be a model...not a critic."  I believe that applies, regardless of how divisive the issue.  Our responsibility is to LOVE...not change those around us.  If we can instill a little bit more of this at home, the state and our schools will feel less desperate to develop programs to keep all students safe because we will do a better job of taking care of each other.

I get that my opinions might sometimes be unpopular, but please offer me the same courtesy that I have committed to offer you.  Everyday, I have to examine my intentions and make sure I am not getting off track, swayed by the drama of a world that is going in a direction that I morally abhor.  If I am "on-track," I won't fear the normalization of moral stretching or avoid people who think and feel differently than I do.  Rather, I'll throw myself into the middle of a community of friends I love and respect who are fighting their own emotional battles (and often bear the scars of those battles) and try to be a better friend to them, regardless of differences of opinion.

Searching for a "Sound Mind"

Last weekend we went to Sunriver with our family and one other.  The weather was spectacular--mid-70's, blue skies, just a few billowy clouds, and LOTS of vibrant colors as the leaves are smack in the middle of their fall color burst.  Some of the trees literally looked like they were covered in sparkly gold coins.  It was incredible and a total feast in the beauty of God's creations.

On Saturday afternoon, we ventured to Cultus Lake and were graced with the warmest of temperatures, in spite of the fact that we were a ways up the mountain, and lots of sunshine.  Kids staked their claim on small rock islands they could wade out to because the water was still low from the summer.  We paddle-boarded, had hammocks set up and hanging from trees, sprawled snacks out of a nearby picnic table, and played.  Bliss....you'd think.  It should have been.  It might have been.....

Days like these--the FUN days--are hard for me because of our circumstances with Matt.  He can't sit still.  He doesn't have a clue what to do with himself.  When everyone else is content to run around and entertain themselves through creative play, Matt is anxiously yelling at me for "song, pad, shake, funk, bass, 'vi-fi,' connect, ad" and irritated when I can't figure out how to meet those needs.  He is constantly grabbing (translate "clawing" because I had yet to clip his razor-nails) my arm, my face, my leg, my boob, my thigh, my side....whatever he can access and inflict pain upon.  He wants "snaaaack" even after he has finished his and everyone else's food, and will do puzzles and cards, but I lose my sanity after doing each of those things 37,000 times on the blanket I've spread across the sharp rocks.

My problem is this--I've almost started to dread "fun" because what is fun for everyone else usually ends up being really frustrating for me.  Part of the problem, self-inflicted I realize, is that I feel the need to take it on.  Todd always offers and is super willing to help, but I want to protect him and give him the chance to relax and play.  That is more important to him than it is to me, so I take Matt in a desire to help him meet his needs.  By the end of these types of days, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, surrounded by a family that is recharged and happy....and I feel sorry for myself.

Part of why I feel sorry for myself isn't because of a few hours of crazy, but more because of what it represents for my future--I have a hard time seeing a future where it won't be that way.  When I start to think about it that way, it makes me feel claustrophobic in my life.  I told Todd that I almost dread "fun" now....I almost don't know how to HAVE fun anymore because I get so anxious that it won't be fun because of the Matt dynamic.  Not even sure if that makes any sense.

Fast forward....I was on a run this morning and reflecting on a few things.  One of them was that trip and how I have felt a little down since then.  The other thing is my relationship with Adi--she is REALLY in the mode of pushing my buttons and I'm worried about how to parent through this.  When you can see your kids feeling entitled and talking to you in a way that isn't as respectful as you remember needing to talk to adults when you were little, it's an unsettling feeling.  I worry about it most because of what it means for the future--what is she going to be like as an adult?  It has started to make me question my parenting and, in the moments when the going gets tough, I'm finding that I'm shutting down....not losing my cool as much as loosing my energy.  I'm exhausted of the same conversations, the same attempt at teaching, the same "deep breath Julie" reminders to myself, the same boiling blood while I speak in forced-kind-voice. Not only do I despise how I sound in my own ears....I despise who I am becoming as a parent--a fun-dreading forced-voice faking nice parent who is petrified about the future.  Super fun.

Intermission....I have been studying a lot about the eternities in my callings teaching institute and an adult religion class.  Doing that has caused me to reflect a lot on where we came from and where we are going as well as what the future holds for us as human beings on this earth.  The purpose of life has become increasingly clear to me as well as my knowledge of God, our Savior Jesus Christ and their role in our lives.  Sometimes, however, in my attempts to understand everything, I get annoyed with distractions in the moment--my kids interrupting as I prep for a class.  Oh, the hypocrisy when I'm studying about the example of Jesus and then get irritated with the child in front of me who is vying for my love and attention.  Instead of following His example (WWJD), I find myself yelling, ignoring, brushing off, etc.

Now fast-backwards (as my kids affectionately term a rewind)....several weeks ago, I was having a talk with a friend about revelation and how to determine real from counterfeit answers.  For example, every time before I go on a trip, I get super anxious before we leave.  My question to her is how do I know that isn't Heavenly Father trying to tell me that going on this trip is not right?  How do I stop the thoughts of "What if there is a terrorist attack where we are and we can't get home?" or "what if Matt chokes while we are gone and dies?" or "what if everyone is in a horrible accident?" all so that Todd and I could selfishly go on a trip??  AHHHH!  I am really good at spiraling myself into a tragic, horrible worst-case story and keep wondering if those thoughts are God's way of saying DON'T GO!  Her insight to me was soooo profound (and I am going to quote what she said in a talk she recently gave after I summarize the insight).  She said that Satan uses fear as a counterfeit for warning.  When Heavenly Father uses fear, it is to stop us from doing something in our immediate future--like halt us in our tracks.  If we are trying our best to be in tune, he will redirect us or course-correct us--block us somehow, be it through a stupor or just plain clarity when something doesn't go right that it is His will.  He does not, and never will, cause feelings of anxiety and fear about something in the future.  Satan does that--he attempts to paralyze us by playing on our own emotions.  If he can keep us from doing things or turn us into fear-dodging anxiety ridden, depressed, insecure people, it makes it really difficult for us to make progress and be movers/shakers in this crazy world.  Here is the quote from her talk:

“The mental and emotional taunts fired at us through the devils whispered suggestions are like darts of fiery, burning poison.  The scriptures refer to these whisperings as the “fiery darts of the adversary”. Satan is a master at manipulating emotions through these whisperings.  He knows how to create worry and doubt, fear, hatred, resentment and loneliness...no such feelings like these come from light.”

I love the verse in 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” When my mind is not "sound," I've started to realize that I need to question the source of the unrest--Satan or God. If course corrections are necessary, my quest for a "sound mind" will lead me there. I cannot hang out in the "muddy mind" space for very long without giving Satan a victory.

Back to my run....I started to realize that there was a trend. A lot of the things I was worried, anxious, had a muddy mind about, etc. were sabotaging me from being what and who I wanted to be in present tense. I was letting my anxiety about the future (frustration about my fun-dread, worry about Adi as an adult, concern that I will be the worst parent ever) prevent me from being the person I wanted to in the moment. Rather than glancing at and using the future as a point of reference to make sure I'm headed in the right direction, I was obsessing about it and allowing it to taint my moments. The irony is that the cumulative effect of those moments is what makes the future.

I also started to realize something really foreign to me....that I'm not doing a good job of taking care of myself (self-care). I could tell you everyone else's needs and I do my best to meet and even anticipate those needs, but I cannot, if you give me a billion dollars, tell you what my own are. I am starting to not know myself. And if you don't know your own needs, you can't meet them (and you also can't get mad at other people for not meeting them which is part of what I tend to do in my mind). WHAT?! I know my SOUL better--who I really am and my potential as a daughter of God--but I don't know what I WANT or NEED right now to make me feel better, stronger, happier. I know what my husband, kids, parents, friends might need.....and then my mind is blank when it comes to my own. I also have had a few super-humbling experiences recently where I did a crap job of some of the things that I thought I was really good at--that were part of my identity. That isn't really helping this little crisis.

I determined that, as constructive as being goal-oriented is, there is wisdom to "living in the moment" as well. That isn't something I have ever been very good at. Living in the moment requires that I also know myself and my own needs so that I can ENJOY living in the moment a little more....so that I can say "hey, I need help with Matt so I can enjoy this day as well" rather than protecting everyone else. I have thought the thoughts...but literally cannot bring myself to say them. I think I'm broken.

So where do I start? I'm not totally sure. But I've got to figure that out. My goal is to take a step in that direction this week. I'm searching for my "sound mind." I'll let you know what I figure out...

I Need a Re-Do

We just got back from a vacation to Hawaii--just Liam, Adi, Todd and myself.  We left Matt in the hands of a very capable sitter and went off for some uncomplicated time coupled with a dental meeting.  We had all been anticipating this vacation for a long time--we "gifted" it to the kids for Christmas and they were beyond excited.  By the time the trip came round, I felt my mind and body literally aching for a break--I was thrashed and Todd felt the same way.  We needed this time.

After all of the planning and logistics were set aside, particularly related to Matt, and all my tears at leaving him behind had been shed, I fully expected myself to be able to just let go and relax--enjoy my kids for the first time in a long time because there were no schedules to fight over, no chores to debate, no responsibilities to juggle....and no Matt which brings with it its own set of complications ridden with Mamma guilt.  So I was anticipating simple, uncomplicated, love-filled family time.  We even set up a "system" to help prevent fighting--kind of a "three-strikes" system with a horrible punishment attached to it (which worked, by the way).

As we were leaving, I had a chat with Liam and Adi to "frame" what I needed from them--I told them this was intended to be a vacation for us (the parents) as well and we needed them to not be....well...needy.  We needed them to be cooperative, to listen, to not argue, and to take care of themselves a little (i.e. be responsible for your own crap).

It didn't take me long to realize that every pre-framing conversation, every attempt to create this beautiful, relaxing experience that I pictured, was completely in vain.  This vacation was destined to be something other than what I pictured in my head.  Now, here's the problem....rather than embrace what it was going to be, I was irritated beyond belief that it was not what I had envisioned.  Here is the un-edited version of how it felt.

The kids didn't fight, but they literally did not stop making noise.  If they weren't talking and wanting a response, they were singing--making up songs and singing them so loudly.  They went so far as to make the most annoying sounds they could come up with--goat noises and other animals.  I think their ears may have gone on vacation because it took them forever to get moving every day--I felt like I had to leave the room to get them to panic and follow.  I couldn't do anything without an appendage, including shower--every shower I took was with Adi.  I couldn't go potty by myself because she always wanted to be in the stall with me and wouldn't go into her own.  When we would go to bed and wake up, it was with them...which is introvert hell.  Zero time to myself.

All of this is TOTALLY NORMAL kid stuff, but I could not no feel frustrated.  The more the week progressed, the more annoyed I was.  The more annoyed I was, the less fun I was.  The less fun I was, the worse I felt.  The worse I felt, the more irritated I was with them.  Here's the irony--I would tell them this--"guys, I really want to be fun Mom, but it is so hard when I feel like you are ignoring me. Can we work on being better listeners?"  And other equally in-vain requests.  Again, very normal kids.  But when they didn't magically transform into unicorn children, I would get more and more mad at myself for not being more flexible, for not being able to let the annoying things go.  The voices in my head were getting louder and louder...."you are so selfish because all you can think about is time by yourself when you are here for family time" or "you have amazing children that are capable of amazing things who just want to have an amazing time and you are getting in the way of that" or "you are letting your kids down by not being more fun! You can't even be fun in Hawaii!  That's pathetic" or "you are going to regret not just treasuring this time.  Why can't you live in the moment and let go a little?" or "what kind not a horrible human being gets upset with their children for not meeting expectations that are unrealistic because I want to have more peace and quiet?" or "your husband is not going to enjoy being with you at all if you keep being this crusty, lame human being."  Those voices were SO LOUD that I literally could not even think straight, much less enjoy myself.

Fortunately, there were days that were better than others, but I honestly felt a little depressed most of the time.  It was hard to be loving toward any member of my family, including my husband that I started to resent because he was so capable of being everything I wanted to--fun, relaxed, exciting, full of energy, playing, loving, and fully enjoying himself.  When he went to his dental meetings, I stepped it up a little so the kids weren't forced to wallow with me in self-pity and martyrdom at least. Here's the beauty though--they forgave me every time I apologized and still wanted me and my attention even when I was crusty five seconds before.  They continued to be oblivious to this internal turmoil and had a wonderful time. They won't remember for a second the moments where I sucked as a Mom and rather came home thanking us over and over for such an amazing trip.

So I went on a run this morning and purposefully didn't take music or a book to listen to.  I just thought.  And while thinking, realized something I did wrong.  I listened to the voices.  I would entertain them, agree with them, nod in response to their biting commentary and let them become statements about my worth.  And then I would look to my kids to validate me, asking them to fix their behavior because that was where the problem was...or at least if I could think that, it would somehow justify my selfishness and lameness. Rather, what I needed to do was replace those thoughts.  Just like you can't will a habit to change (you have to replace it with a new behavior), you can't will thoughts out of your head....you have to replace them with new ones.  It was almost like I needed to take those thoughts out, stare at them a little, examine them for credibility, change where I needed to and replace the thought all together with a new, better thought that motivated me to change verses wallow in self-pity.  For example, the "I'm selfish because all I can think about is time to myself" thought could have been replaced by a kinder "you are exhausted because you work very hard.  It is totally appropriate to ask how we could possibly carve out some time so that you can rejuvenate during this trip as well."  Or the thought about letting my kids down because I'm not more fun could be replaced with thoughts of what I do well.  I don't naturally do "fun" well and compare myself to Todd and other Mom's who are so good at it.  And when I DO play with them and AM fun, give myself credit!  Rejoice in the moment that was fun!  Or the thoughts about being a horrible human being for wanting peace and quiet could be changed to "kids will be kids!" rather than a commentary about my horribleness.

Once I realized this, I spent the rest of the run doing what I do best--planning.  I plan to do better at being nice to myself in my mind.  I can still envision the Mom that I want to be and one of the adjectives used to describe her IS fun....but rather than comparing myself and focusing on the gap (how far I am from that person), I will focus on the progress (how I'm getting closer to becoming her).  Rather than focusing on what I am not doing well (and where I literally feel like I am failing), I need to focus on what I am doing well and give myself credit for the victories. Because I am naturally a positive person, some of these feelings are really foreign to me--these voices aren't usually so loud!  I think listening to them gives them power.  But just like light and darkness cannot co-exist, the voices cannot stick around if you replace them, in a very intentional way and after looking at them for a moment, with the truth.  Those voices lie sometimes.  We have to look at them closely enough to decide what element of truth exists in them so that we are working at becoming better, but then we need to kick them to the curb and replace them with what we KNOW we are and what we are capable of.

Big Miracles

Most of the posts that I write are about Matthew and his progress.  This one will be slightly different because it is about the progress my other two are making that represents a different kind of miracle--but one of those I couldn't have planned for, wouldn't have known to ask for, and cannot take credit for.

I believe that children come to this earth with unique gifts.  Liam is sensitive and spiritually just in tune--he is blessed with a desire to be good and obedient.  Matt represents happy--his handsome face, his enthusiasm for the things he is passionate about (lately, when he likes a song, he kick-stomps a single foot, as hard as humanly possible, and smiles so big you feel like his face is going to explode), and "happy" is his most frequent response to the question, "how are you Matt?"  Adi is a source of joy to everyone she comes in contact with (unless you are her age and on the receiving end of her stubborn, bossy-ness).  She tests me, but when that girl wants to please and be full of light, there is no light brighter.

Well, one of the special gifts that comes from having a family with an extra-special is the surprise miracle that I'm starting to catch glimpses of.  Liam and Adi want to help Matt.  They are learning how to love him in their own, unique ways.  They are starting to develop relationships with him that are independent of my encouraging.  Matt is starting to seek them out and respond to them in a way that teaches me about both him and them.  It's beautiful to watch.

This became so obvious to me over this last weekend.  We took a trip to our happy place (Sunriver) and immediately headed up to the mountain.  Todd was determined to get the entire family on snow shoes.  I rolled my eyes a little bit because I was certain there was no way this was going to work, but his enthusiasm was contagious and I found myself secretly hoping that, by some miracle, we might actually find our winter family activity--something we have been struggling to discover.  So we pack all of our snow gear, 5 pair of snow shoes, the dog and our optimism into the van and head to a beautiful trail on Mt. Bachelor.  First sign we pass says no dogs....we choose to completely disregard this sign (or at least pretended not to see it) because we were not about to give up after all of the effort we had already gone through to get there.  It is no small feat for any family to time potty trips and packing up that much gear, so to arrive and turn around because of a stupid no-dog sign seemed weak--like giving up.  Forget it.

So Izzy ran around int he snow in the empty parking lot, happy as can be, while we saddled (shoed) everyone up.  Within about two minutes of starting this process, we realized our timing would, again, have to be impeccable.  The instant Matt's snow shoes were on, I needed to be ready to take off with him or he would lose it.  So I got ready quickly and the instant he was rearing to go, we started to walk--so quickly he didn't have the time to notice there were giant tennis rackets attached to his feet.  He just started to follow.  I was AMAZED.  We made it to....well....the trail head.  He started to notice that a) he wasn't very fond of his flippers, and b) it was cold.  So he started to freak out a little and flops his body into the wet snow.  Let me explain something about Matt's "flop."  He is 75 pounds of slippery fish capable of escaping the tightest of mother-vice grips as I attempt to pick him up by armpits, by limbs....by anything I can get a moment's grip on.  He was not to be picked up.  The battle had started.

Todd catches up to us as we have made it approximately 7 feet from the trail head.  He finds Liam on his knees because he tripped, Matt sprawled in snow-angel position, and Adi sitting down eating the snow.  There I am, in the middle of everyone, dancing and singing (in forced-happy-Mom--cheerleader-voice) songs of encouragement in an attempt to probe my brood into motion.  I found that if I walked away from Matt a little, he would wail and moan louder...and then suddenly pull himself to standing and start to walk a little.  This would last for about 7 steps (we counted--I was offering bribes for every 20 steps) before slippery fish face would flop once again onto his ice cold pillow of puffy snow.

This process repeated itself (insert several instances of Todd and I physically picking Matt up and carrying him for a few steps while he dragged inverted snow shoes, pulling him to his feet by grabbing clothing items attached to parts of his body that he couldn't wrestle out of our grip) until we finally made it a grand total of....wait for it....200 yards.  GO TEAM!  When we got to the end, we took photos, did a dance of joy, and then pointed at the parking lot with encouraging words and promises of iPads and music when we made it back to the car.

Apparently all of these bribes fell on completely deaf ears and about four steps into the return trip, Matt flops face first into the snow with a wail of protest.  He is LOUD.  I can hear the echo and am pretty positive the entire mountain can too as his volume has progressively crescendoed to a rather disturbing level.  We decide to attempt our "walk ahead a few steps and see if he'll stand up" strategy, but this time, Matt is just laying there, pathetically, and the wailing does not subside.  It is clear he is miserable.

Liam is the first to speak up: "I can't stand this.  I'm going to back to help."  Adi immediately falls in step with him and, before Todd or I can move a muscle, they are traipsing back to help their helpless brother.  Given that neither of us,  in all of our brute strength, could get Matt to stand upon request, we thought this would provide a little comic relief, if nothing else.  But what we witnessed was far from comical.

Our two beautiful children stood on either side of their frustrated brother and in calm, soothing voices, spoke encouraging, loving words to him.  They offered him a hand and he looked up at them with total trust, took their hands, stood, and started to walk resolutely towards us with his brother and sister flanking him.  The three of them, hand in hand, all wearing massive smiles at their victory marched through the snow in their snow shoes and I thought my heart would burst.

At that moment I realized that we were seeing a miracle in our family--that my children are becoming the types of human beings that I have prayed they will become, but that I knew I could not somehow turn them into, in spite of my best efforts to do so.  What is happening to them is because of Matt--not us.  They are becoming sensitive in a way that makes me feel overwhelmed with gratitude.  For some reason, this experience helped me to see that so clearly, so I stood there in the snow, beaming and crying, watching my three crazies that were driving me insane moments before and feeling inspired by their goodness.

Of course, I tried to get it on video.  It's short, but you get the idea.

Just Showing Up

I learned a really important lesson this morning and something about myself that I'm not super proud of.  I have a friend that is going through a really difficult time--the difficulty of her current situation is the direct result of the decisions of others that are completely outside of her control.  The only thing she has control of is her reaction to it and she is handling this trial with dignity and grace, staying true to who she is a completely devoted to the things that are most important to her.

She has really needed support, and to someone who is accustomed to playing the support role, I imagine that is a difficult place to be in.  Well, today was a day where I knew she could have used support....and I wanted to give it.  I planned to offer it.  Logistics started to get in the way, but rather than keep my mouth shut and muddy through the logistics, I mentioned that I was "trying to work things out" and would "do my best" but I wasn't positive that I could.  Her response was, of course, "oh Julie!  Don't even worry about it!  It's no big deal!"  So I kind of let myself off the hook, comforted by the though that "she knows I tried."

Well, I woke up this morning, the day of this medium-significant event, and I felt this nagging in my heart.  I had made other plans for this morning and could not shake the feeling that I needed to change everything.  So I started to....I texted friends to ask if they could help me with the juggle a little bit, asked the sitter to show up early so I could leave early, and in the process, exchanged texts with a friend saying that I was going to come.  We went back and forth with her reassuring me it was not a big deal and me assuring her it was OK and I got things worked out.

I got dressed, put on makeup, curled my hair....and when I texted to say I was coming, I was told not to worry about it.  I started to get insecure, wondering if I wasn't wanted.  It was at that point that my sister sent me a text that gave me the perspective that I needed and taught me a pretty important lesson.  She said "these are the moments when you JUST SHOW UP."  You do not ask a struggling friend how important it is to them that you be there--do not put the burden of decision on them.  If you feel like you should, then DO.  Don't wonder, question, vacillate, over-talk, analyze, think....DO.

At this point, I was super irritated with myself.  I was that friend that annoys me--when they commit to or talk about doing something that isn't convenient and you can tell, but then they keep telling you its important to them and they wish it would work.  Well, if something is important to you, you show that by doing it.  You give your time to what is most important to you.  Talking about it does not prove it is a priority--doing something about it does.

I was annoying myself with all of my back-and-forth about this....I felt like a crazy person because I KNEW (felt) what I needed to do and my desire to do the right thing was at odds with my desire not to burden others and to take care of my kids and....blah blah.  So it wasn't like I was being a slacker.  But I got kicked upside the head by the Spirit (that is that "feeling" I'm describing) that I needed to show up today.  So I ignored the "don't worry about it" comments and I'm sitting on the stairs outside of the courthouse right now, waiting to give my friend a hug, feeling embarrassed by my psyho-ness but grateful for the prompting to JUST SHOW UP.

As I reflected on the drive, I realized that I am a great friend when people come to me.  I can listen, counsel, process, think through things, and offer help.  But I often find myself allowing things to come to me and waiting for things to be clear to me before taking any action.  I use the excuse in my head that my life is "different" and sometimes hard...that there are a lot of balls in the air...that things are complicated.  There is something so beautiful about the person who just shows up, vulnerable, unsure what they will even offer, just because they love you and want you to know you are important enough to them to be there and risk that vulnerability that they might not even be wanted in that moment.  I have had those friends....one showed up with flowers on my porch as I was going through a particularly hard time....one who texted without any clue why she felt like she should text me and feeling kind of dumb because she didn't even know what to say....one who showed up on my porch when I had an infant and drove Liam to preschool--and then kept showing up to do that against my (feeble) protests....

I admire those people. And yet, because I hate to be vulnerable (except when I write, apparently) and because I struggle to find time for everything that needs to happen in 24 hours a day, I neglect to give the greatest gift a friend can by just showing up.

Embarrassment is a great motivator.  Because I'm so horrified with myself today, its easy to want to commit to do better.  But I genuinely feel grateful for my ignorance today because it caused me to really think about this and to recognize a blind spot.  We've all got 'em.  But as I sit here, not sure if I'll be embraced or eye-rolled when my friend walks out (vulnerable), I'm still glad I decided to SHOW UP today....for my sake, if nothing else.