Last weekend we went to Sunriver with our family and one other. The weather was spectacular--mid-70's, blue skies, just a few billowy clouds, and LOTS of vibrant colors as the leaves are smack in the middle of their fall color burst. Some of the trees literally looked like they were covered in sparkly gold coins. It was incredible and a total feast in the beauty of God's creations.
On Saturday afternoon, we ventured to Cultus Lake and were graced with the warmest of temperatures, in spite of the fact that we were a ways up the mountain, and lots of sunshine. Kids staked their claim on small rock islands they could wade out to because the water was still low from the summer. We paddle-boarded, had hammocks set up and hanging from trees, sprawled snacks out of a nearby picnic table, and played. Bliss....you'd think. It should have been. It might have been.....
Days like these--the FUN days--are hard for me because of our circumstances with Matt. He can't sit still. He doesn't have a clue what to do with himself. When everyone else is content to run around and entertain themselves through creative play, Matt is anxiously yelling at me for "song, pad, shake, funk, bass, 'vi-fi,' connect, ad" and irritated when I can't figure out how to meet those needs. He is constantly grabbing (translate "clawing" because I had yet to clip his razor-nails) my arm, my face, my leg, my boob, my thigh, my side....whatever he can access and inflict pain upon. He wants "snaaaack" even after he has finished his and everyone else's food, and will do puzzles and cards, but I lose my sanity after doing each of those things 37,000 times on the blanket I've spread across the sharp rocks.
My problem is this--I've almost started to dread "fun" because what is fun for everyone else usually ends up being really frustrating for me. Part of the problem, self-inflicted I realize, is that I feel the need to take it on. Todd always offers and is super willing to help, but I want to protect him and give him the chance to relax and play. That is more important to him than it is to me, so I take Matt in a desire to help him meet his needs. By the end of these types of days, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, surrounded by a family that is recharged and happy....and I feel sorry for myself.
Part of why I feel sorry for myself isn't because of a few hours of crazy, but more because of what it represents for my future--I have a hard time seeing a future where it won't be that way. When I start to think about it that way, it makes me feel claustrophobic in my life. I told Todd that I almost dread "fun" now....I almost don't know how to HAVE fun anymore because I get so anxious that it won't be fun because of the Matt dynamic. Not even sure if that makes any sense.
Fast forward....I was on a run this morning and reflecting on a few things. One of them was that trip and how I have felt a little down since then. The other thing is my relationship with Adi--she is REALLY in the mode of pushing my buttons and I'm worried about how to parent through this. When you can see your kids feeling entitled and talking to you in a way that isn't as respectful as you remember needing to talk to adults when you were little, it's an unsettling feeling. I worry about it most because of what it means for the future--what is she going to be like as an adult? It has started to make me question my parenting and, in the moments when the going gets tough, I'm finding that I'm shutting down....not losing my cool as much as loosing my energy. I'm exhausted of the same conversations, the same attempt at teaching, the same "deep breath Julie" reminders to myself, the same boiling blood while I speak in forced-kind-voice. Not only do I despise how I sound in my own ears....I despise who I am becoming as a parent--a fun-dreading forced-voice faking nice parent who is petrified about the future. Super fun.
Intermission....I have been studying a lot about the eternities in my callings teaching institute and an adult religion class. Doing that has caused me to reflect a lot on where we came from and where we are going as well as what the future holds for us as human beings on this earth. The purpose of life has become increasingly clear to me as well as my knowledge of God, our Savior Jesus Christ and their role in our lives. Sometimes, however, in my attempts to understand everything, I get annoyed with distractions in the moment--my kids interrupting as I prep for a class. Oh, the hypocrisy when I'm studying about the example of Jesus and then get irritated with the child in front of me who is vying for my love and attention. Instead of following His example (WWJD), I find myself yelling, ignoring, brushing off, etc.
Now fast-backwards (as my kids affectionately term a rewind)....several weeks ago, I was having a talk with a friend about revelation and how to determine real from counterfeit answers. For example, every time before I go on a trip, I get super anxious before we leave. My question to her is how do I know that isn't Heavenly Father trying to tell me that going on this trip is not right? How do I stop the thoughts of "What if there is a terrorist attack where we are and we can't get home?" or "what if Matt chokes while we are gone and dies?" or "what if everyone is in a horrible accident?" all so that Todd and I could selfishly go on a trip?? AHHHH! I am really good at spiraling myself into a tragic, horrible worst-case story and keep wondering if those thoughts are God's way of saying DON'T GO! Her insight to me was soooo profound (and I am going to quote what she said in a talk she recently gave after I summarize the insight). She said that Satan uses fear as a counterfeit for warning. When Heavenly Father uses fear, it is to stop us from doing something in our immediate future--like halt us in our tracks. If we are trying our best to be in tune, he will redirect us or course-correct us--block us somehow, be it through a stupor or just plain clarity when something doesn't go right that it is His will. He does not, and never will, cause feelings of anxiety and fear about something in the future. Satan does that--he attempts to paralyze us by playing on our own emotions. If he can keep us from doing things or turn us into fear-dodging anxiety ridden, depressed, insecure people, it makes it really difficult for us to make progress and be movers/shakers in this crazy world. Here is the quote from her talk:
“The mental and emotional taunts fired at us through the devils whispered suggestions are like darts of fiery, burning poison. The scriptures refer to these whisperings as the “fiery darts of the adversary”. Satan is a master at manipulating emotions through these whisperings. He knows how to create worry and doubt, fear, hatred, resentment and loneliness...no such feelings like these come from light.”
I love the verse in 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” When my mind is not "sound," I've started to realize that I need to question the source of the unrest--Satan or God. If course corrections are necessary, my quest for a "sound mind" will lead me there. I cannot hang out in the "muddy mind" space for very long without giving Satan a victory.
Back to my run....I started to realize that there was a trend. A lot of the things I was worried, anxious, had a muddy mind about, etc. were sabotaging me from being what and who I wanted to be in present tense. I was letting my anxiety about the future (frustration about my fun-dread, worry about Adi as an adult, concern that I will be the worst parent ever) prevent me from being the person I wanted to in the moment. Rather than glancing at and using the future as a point of reference to make sure I'm headed in the right direction, I was obsessing about it and allowing it to taint my moments. The irony is that the cumulative effect of those moments is what makes the future.
I also started to realize something really foreign to me....that I'm not doing a good job of taking care of myself (self-care). I could tell you everyone else's needs and I do my best to meet and even anticipate those needs, but I cannot, if you give me a billion dollars, tell you what my own are. I am starting to not know myself. And if you don't know your own needs, you can't meet them (and you also can't get mad at other people for not meeting them which is part of what I tend to do in my mind). WHAT?! I know my SOUL better--who I really am and my potential as a daughter of God--but I don't know what I WANT or NEED right now to make me feel better, stronger, happier. I know what my husband, kids, parents, friends might need.....and then my mind is blank when it comes to my own. I also have had a few super-humbling experiences recently where I did a crap job of some of the things that I thought I was really good at--that were part of my identity. That isn't really helping this little crisis.
I determined that, as constructive as being goal-oriented is, there is wisdom to "living in the moment" as well. That isn't something I have ever been very good at. Living in the moment requires that I also know myself and my own needs so that I can ENJOY living in the moment a little more....so that I can say "hey, I need help with Matt so I can enjoy this day as well" rather than protecting everyone else. I have thought the thoughts...but literally cannot bring myself to say them. I think I'm broken.
So where do I start? I'm not totally sure. But I've got to figure that out. My goal is to take a step in that direction this week. I'm searching for my "sound mind." I'll let you know what I figure out...
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