Lighted Path

We have observed another tanking in Matt's progress and behaviors.  It is so incredibly frustrating to be on this roller-coaster sometimes.  Just when I start to think that "we're getting the hang of this" and walk with a little more spring in my step, a giant cloud of doom takes residence directly over my head and laughs (yes, the cloud can laugh....with that maniacal laugh that Blake Shelton uses on the voice when he steals someone directly from Adam Levine) before dumping large amounts of humid rain on my freshly flat-ironed hair.  It's a bit of a bummer, to say the least.

Behaviors are resurrected from Matt's past evil phases--I'm convinced he looks back and recalls those that were most annoying and brings those specific ones back to life.  Right now, he is scratching like a large cat with razor nails that I cut every five seconds but still, somehow, gouge flesh.  His favorite is to take his hands up the back of my shirt, find my bra strap and grab that, snap it, and then scratch his way down...or go down the cleavage--that's a fun one. He is screaming with this deep-throated, loud noise that it literally so painfully harsh that it is literally causing vocal nodes.  He swipes ("swiper no swiping") things off counters, tables and other surfaces where they belong and are sitting nicely, doing no harm to anyone.  This includes food (plates of it), pots on the stove that he swipes across the stove and onto the counter, papers, computers....anything on a flat surface that with a large swipe of his arms will do maximum damage.  He loves to bang things, including the oven door.  Lets talk about how fun that is when I am baking.  Pantry doors, fridge, dishwasher and toilet seat are other favorites.  Today he banged his glass so hard on the counter that is shattered into a billion shards.  Talking has become impossible unless all of your attention is directed at him.  That makes for a really productive conversation with other human beings--and eyes on Matt is not enough.  He's no fool.  If the topic strays from one directed at or for him, your eyes seek the eye contact of another human being, or you happen to laugh/comment on something happening within earshot, Matt is mad....and thus emerge all of the above listed behaviors, most especially the FACE swipe (don't forget the razor nails).  That's a fun one.  A small child grabbing your face with whiplash intensity, forcing you to look him in the eye and attend to him and him only. Really inspires loving, tender experiences.

He is happy when he has 100% of an adults attention, when you are wrestling, tickling, or throwing him around, or when he is reading a book with you.  Even then, he'll lunge at me with love, but such brute force that I have been knocked over more than once. I need a clone in a protective suit of some kind.

Needless to say, this has taken a toll and I am desperate for answers....again.  I feel like we took a little break from all of this when he was in his good phase.  The timing was ideal (and probably somehow related) because we were dealing with his knee surgery and recovery, and because I feel the need to compartmentalize our drama, I could not have wrapped my head around this in the way I need to back then.  Well, here we are....and my head, heart and soul have started to give me a message that has left me a tiny bit confused.  I feel like we need to look at Matt's brain.

Autism doesn't fully explain Matt--it explains only some of his behaviors and there are a few things that are so "not autistic" that it leaves me a bit confused. I know...it's a spectrum.  I get that. You know one kid with autism and you know one kid with autism.  But my kid...my Matt....has something more going on.  His intellectual delays are extreme.  His ability to retain and process information is severely lacking.  His challenges, I feel, are more related to something going on in his brain than autism.

I started this journey when I pushed our neurologist to answer the questions I didn't know to ask--I basically asked what I don't know to ask that might help give us a clue or insight into what is going on with Matt--that might explain him and some of his struggles in a way that autism doesn't.  He did make some very insightful discoveries as a result and noted, in particular, that Matt might have an abnormally developed brain, specifically in the areas responsible for speech and cognition.  So I've had this strong urge/desire to look more into Matt's brain--to understand it a bit better.  However, I feel paralyzed because I don't really know where to start.  Google: brain problems??  I honestly haven't even know what to do.

About a week ago, a friend of mine sent me a link to a Ted talk, the premise of which is if you want to understand a kid with a developmental disorder, you cannot look at behaviors....you have to look at the brain.  DING!  Totally resonated with me. This is that talk.  She talks about a specific way to read and interpret EEG's such that you are able to accurately diagnose what is going on in the brain rather than relying on observable behaviors to make that diagnosis.  So I start thinking, "hmmmm, how can I figure out if this is legit" and start asking questions of Matt's "team" of medical professionals.  He has an appointment with neurology at the end of the summer and I'm going to do my homework to prepare for that to make a case for this kind of research into Matt's brain.

Yesterday morning, I had a meeting with Matt's developmental behavioral specialist.  This woman is quite the genius, I tell you, and I was really looking forward to meeting with her.  When I am at my most desperate, she is a little breath of encouragement and answers.  As we were getting ready to get the kids off to school so Matt and I could head to her office, I got a phone call from a number I didn't recognize--right in the middle of the chaos.  I typically ignore these calls, but for some reason hit answer on my watch before I could even stop myself.  It was a friend of mine that I have known for years and years, but speak to only occasionally when we pass at a church function or run into each other around town.  She asked if I had a moment and I almost said no, but kind of gave her a "yes, but literally only a minute."  She was calling to ask whether we had ever done a brain scan with Matt called a SPECT scan.  They were considering doing one with her grandson (I think....maybe her son???) and wondering whether it was worth the thousands of dollars out of pocket that it would cost them.  He has ADD and struggles a bit, and this scan was recommended by a psychologist who noted it might offer insight into what parts of the brain they need to focus on strengthening, slowing down, etc. and how to approach med management, therapy, and so on.  She thought that we had, perhaps, done this or considered this for Matt.  Nope!  BUT I was SUPER interested in learning more about it as it seemed like exactly the type of information I was looking for.  I asked her for a little more detail and promised to ask Matt's specialist during our visit an hour later and then call her back.

So we head to Margaret MacDonald's (specialist) office...I have a list of things to discuss on a sticky note and in my head (as well as a prayer in my heart).  I asked her almost immediately about this SPECT scan and she replied that they had done one with her daughter.  It had been incredibly helpful as they discovered a serious brain injury that guided and helped really focus their therapeutic interventions, leading to a girl that is mainstreamed and doing quite well today.  Not that she doesn't have challenges, but understanding the area of her brain that went through this trauma helps Meg to understand what it is she might struggle with.  She then said, "we should absolutely do this for Matt.  This needs to be our next step." OK.  So I am not one to be easily persuaded to do something this dramatic very easily, but I am at the point where we are way past explaining this as coincidence.  We also talked about my next meeting with Matt's neurologist and she volunteered to attend, research this Ted talk in advance, and then we'll figure out how to approach it, with SPECT scan results in hand to help.

The conversation was super intense, fast-paced, and filled with challenges as Matt was his usual anxious self in her office, scratching my face and screaming (literally--that gutteral vocal-node-enducing scream) his head off the entire time.  I got into the car and started to drive home, amazed at what had just happen.  And when I had a chance to sit for a few seconds in relative peace during the drive, it hit me like a bomb that God had just handed me a pretty huge answer.  I kind of turned my gratitude upward, if that makes sense, and almost had this feeling of a smirking "your welcome for that one."

I then started to think about expenses and how this would be a biggie...and remembered I was going to get lasix--I had the consult scheduled for the following Wednesday--and the price was about the same as this scan.  I called and cancelled my eyes, given that this was absolutely more important.  Budget problem solved.  Now logistics....

When I called the clinic, I found out the details of the visit--it takes place over a couple of days, involves a comprehensive medical history, cognitive testing, and these scans.  I also found out that the child has to lie completely still for 18 minutes during the scan. Bubble popped.  I almost wrote pooped.  I guess that would be appropriate as well.  I was SO sad.  I told him that was pretty much an impossibility and asked if we were hosed.  He acted like we were for a second...until I mentioned sedation.  He said they DO have a sedation option, but he didn't think we would consider it given that it is only offered at their Orange County location and would require us to fly to CA.  Done.  Not a problem.  So we have started to look at the schedule and are hoping to get this on the calendar for May.

The reason I detailed all of this is because I wanted to remember.  I feel like feelings of hope and that sense that you are being totally cared for--that there might even be an angel or twenty watching, thinking, working, helping--can be fleeting.  I do not want to forget that undeniable sense that we had a prayer answered and that our path was being guided.  If this does nothing more than satisfy a curious mother, then I am grateful.  But I kind of have a feeling it might do a little bit more than that.  Knowledge is power....I have said SO many times that I wish I could look inside his head.  Well....we're going to try.

Chill Out, Mamma

Todd and I were on a short get-away to celebrate our 10 year anniversary this past weekend.  We were with two other couples—some of our dearest friends—and this trip represented a reunion of sorts.  We used to spend time as a group doing the most random things we could possibly think of.  We would rotate who planned the weekend/outing and the other couples had to just go along with whatever they had put together.  The more random, the better.

Though the weekend’s plans weren’t outrageous or all that random, we were reminded of why we love these friends.  They help us not take ourselves too seriously.

Todd and I have a life that is FILLED.  It is full and rich in the way those terms are typically used…for sure!  But it is also filled….filled with “stuff” that is important, but tends to bring out the serious and structured side of us.  We have a schedule that is planned out 6 months in advance (nature of the beast in his profession).  We have therapies and activities and all sorts of projects and problems we are facing and fighting (nature of the beast when you have children).  To some, we seem crazy.  To us, this “filled” life feels normal.

However, we realized something—having a filled life with a lot of serious stuff can lead us to take ourselves too seriously.  Never before in my life can I remember trying to consciously be fun or have fun or plan fun or add fun.  It just happened.  But now, I almost feel like I’m so focused on anticipating needs and making things happen that I forget to be and have fun.  Is that a pathetic revelation?  One of the things that drives Todd the most is his desire for fun—he is a fun seeker.  I realized with a bit of a jolt this weekend that I am often a fun avoider when the “fun” requires spontaneity and flexibility.  I think I have become so accustomed to “filled” that I almost fear the fun because it might mess up my schedule.  OH MY GOSH.  What has happened to me????

While walking through the shops in Carmel, Todd and I started talking about writing a book of all of the things that we have learned and experienced raising a child with autism and, we are discovering, a variety of other special needs.  Todd asked me the “why” question—what would the purpose of this type of project be?  My response was that I feel like “autism Mom’s” and other mother’s who have children with special needs (myself included) get caught in this trap of trying SO HARD to do what is right and best for their child that they lose balance and forget to live with and love the child that is right in front of them.  I suggested that the “why” is to help other families, through our trips and stumbles as we learn this ourselves, realize the importance of balance within their own families—not neglecting the other family members because of a hyper-focus on the child with special needs.  I think we can accomplish that by talking about what we learned (and the experiences that taught us), and how we applied that to our life as a whole—our other children, our other relationships, etc.  We often get so caught up in advocacy, research, experimenting with different “treatments” and diets, therapy, appointments, observation, and just plain hard work that we forget to enjoy that child AND give our other children/family members the same amount or level of attention, in both success and failure, recognizing accomplishments with the same enthusiasm, grieving when they struggle with the same degree of sincerity, etc. 

Here’s the connection: I realized that what I feel so strongly about—BALANCE—is the key to that philosophy and that philosophy is something I need to be doing my very best to practice day in and day out as I approach things with Matt.  Part of that is that I need to enjoy my other children more.  I need to make more time for fun with them.  I consciously stopped doing daily therapy with Matt so that I could focus more on simply enjoying him because my every minute with him was peppered with “how can I squeeze in more therapy” and I was stressed out when I didn’t get it all in.  Well, I’m looking at my other kids now and saying “how can I be more productive in my time with them?” every second of every day.  Sometimes the most productive thing I can do with and for them is to just enjoy them—to have fun with them.  Duh.

Time is the hardest gift for me to give because I feel like our time is so “filled.”  It is also the greatest gift we can give our children.  My goal is to reverse my “give me five minutes and then I’ll play” to be “lets play for 5 minutes and then I’ll try to finish this” so I’m sure the best use of my time is prioritized.  How we use our time is the best indication of what our priorities truly are—are they selfishly spent on things that make me happiest (i.e. a clean house, organized closet, projects, etc.), even unconsciously?  I have to give more than lip service to the idea that my children, next to God and my husband, are the very most important and precious to me and then do more of what makes THEM the happiest.

I have thought a lot lately about how Matt gives us a gift in his obsession with electronics because he keeps our entire family from becoming addicted to things that I feel are almost cancerous to family relationships.  I internally applaud us for watching so little TV and for spending so little time on our phones and think about how much more connected we will be in the long run because we just plain have to “check our electronics at the door” when our dude is around.  Maybe part of that is a way to make me feel better about what has been a HUGE struggle in our lives—his obsession makes our home life very challenging.  It also makes going out in public hard as there are literally electronics everywhere and all impulse control goes out the door as he pick-pockets people and pounces on strangers in an attempt to steal their devices. However, we have our other demons and distractions.  Shockingly, the good can distract us just as quickly from the “better” and “best” as total time wasters can distract us from that which is most important.  Good for me equals planning, schedules, strict rules, structure.  Better and best likely require a little more flexibility because it involves more listening, connection, and following the Spirit and less efficiency.  

My commitment is to have more fun.  I’m being serious.  I need to chill out.  Wish me luck.

Mamma Gut Part 2

I am a big believer in expectations--and I do not like to be let down.  I love people who create realistic expectations with me....and cherish those that meet and exceed my expectations.  I struggle when people let me down or don't meet expectations.  It frustrates me.  I think there is an element of trust that plays into this--if you create an expectation with me, I believe you.

I also believe in the self-fulfilling prophesy--that we behave in a way that is a direct reflection of our thoughts which literally turns thoughts into realities.  Create an expectation with me and I'm going to try to turn it into a reality.  Also, I have high expectations of people because I think that it helps them rise to the occasion--if you believe in them, you treat them like you believe in them, they start to believe in themselves.

Enter parenting--the ultimate opportunity to see high expectations play out and turn into realities with a few (try a billion) unmet expectations scattered along the way.

Now, lay my little theory out and test it against Matthew.  From the day he was diagnosed, I FOUGHT in my mind to continue to have high expectations, believing fully that my belief in him would help him be "cured" of autism, "catch up" from his delays, and reach his full capacity and potential.  I clung to the belief/feeling I had that Matt would catch up at some point and it helped me to see him for who he could be rather than through the lens of the long list of diagnoses that were piling up before me.  Three and a half years later, I think a little bit of reality has wiped the tint from my rose colored glasses and I'm starting to realize that I need to adjust expectations.

Here's the interesting part--I did not say LOWER them.  I do not believe any less in Matt than i did when he was born.  I just need to believe in MATT....the real Matt and not the one that I sometimes see in my dreams when I fantasize about the typical family we will someday morph in to or when I calm my jealousy of other families by changing him in my visions to be "typical."  I need to believe in his ability to reach his potential with the perfect imperfections that he came to this earth with.  My battle is that I have not really understood the reality that we are dealing with and therefore have struggled to know what to expect of him...what is appropriate to expect.

ASD (Autism spectrum disorder) is a sucky label that is used to describe about a million billion kids that are all totally different.  I feel like it makes sense to the world somehow when you say a kid has autism, but when you are living with it, it feels like a really vague, unclear and ambiguous label because we are looking for explanations and very pointed, clear descriptions of what we can expect of our child with ASD and what we can expect of their future.

I have felt for some time now like this label is insufficient in Matt's case.  It does not describe him.  I know there is more going on--yes, he definitely has autism, but autism does not explain what is going on with him to my satisfaction.  And, strangely, he falls short of expectations of a child with autism.  Many of them have a genius that is hard to explain, a gift that is beyond "typical" abilities, or something that sets them apart in a very remarkable way.  I have been asked countless times "what is Matt's gift?" and get a little pit in my stomach because I don't know....and not to think less of him in any way, but I don't see a budding genius in any specific area.

This leads me to today--I had a meeting with a new neurologist who also thinks that Matt has a seizure disorder.  He was able to describe with much more clarity exactly what he sees when reading Matt's EEG's and it was so helpful to have him sit down and walk through his findings.  Matt may or may not be having seizures right now (sometimes they can be so subtle that we are actually being instructed as to what we need to watch for with him that could potentially be seizure activity), but the likelihood of him having them at some point is pretty high.  He has been prescribed rescue meds so that we are prepared just in case he does.  As I sat and discussed this and several other findings/concerns, my Mamma Gut pushed me to ask the doctor whether or not something he sees in all of this tests might help explain Matthew's delays and disabilities because I feel like he has more going on than autism.  Thankfully, he honors the mamma gut and looked for awhile at the tests and shared with me that he also sees some diffused slowing brain patterns in Matt that are taking place in the left frontal lobe which is the same area from which the abnormalities are originating and is the area responsible for speech, comprehension, etc.  He suggested that autism doesn't explain this--that these are not typical patterns found in a child with autism, but rather are an indication of an abnormally developed brain.

While this might be super sad news to someone, it gave me a HUGE sense of relief and gratitude.  I pondered all day why.  Why was I not worried about this?  Why was I not sad to learn this?  I mean, with this comes the realization that Matt will likely never "catch up" or be "normal"--we can't pretend that autism is causing his intellectual challenges or that his lack of speech  masks his brilliance.  This should be devastating to me.  Rather, it helped to change my expectations.  Every intellectual victory seems sweeter if you realize that he had to climb a mountain to achieve it....vs. being frustrated that other kids with autism are able to pass standardized tests, write, read, know their letters, colors, numbers, etc.

As hard as I try not to compare because I recognize what a horrible and metastasizing cancer that can turn into, I would be dishonest if I said I never did.  But rather than compare him to his peers, I have started look at other children with autism who are doing so much better in school and have so much more ability than he does and wonder if there is something I am not doing that I should be.  Or when I hear about things others have tried that work, I feel "less than" because I haven't tried it yet.  However, if there is something more than just autism that "explains" Matt, it kind of relaxes me.

Matt's potential, spiritually speaking, remains the same--he is a son of God with a spirit that is equal in ability and potential to mine.  However, my expectations of Matt can start to change the more I understand about the reality of what he is dealing with.  I'm a fan of realistic expectations....and then exceeding them, which I am confident he will do.

Emotional R&I

I feel a lot of shame in the confession that I’m about to make, but it represents a personal epiphany that I need to think (write) out.  As I process, I’m hoping to gain personal clarity, but also offer insight into the mind of a mother raising a child diagnosed with autism.

First, I know, in my Mamma gut, that Matt has more than autism.  I’m not referring to the 7 formal diagnoses he has from the list of specialists we have visited.  Rather, I feel there is something that we have yet to unearth, understand, or recognize.   That said, I know that autism is one explanation for what we observe in our son that “makes sense” and helps us to socially excuse his behaviors in a way that most people can wrap their heads around.  Mind you, I realize there is so much that I don't understand about autism—it is still a mystery to me even though see it up close and personal on a daily basis—but it is becoming a commonly accepted and recognized label that helps me help others make sense of my Matt. 

So I’m sitting on a plane flying home from England and I started to read a book called “I Know You’re in There.”  I simply read the forward written by a boy who “used to be” autistic and I ended up in tears.  He talks about his parent’s patience and persistence in helping him find a cure for his ASD and how grateful he is to have outgrown it.  I immediately prickled…not because of what he said because I long for it to be true, but because I recognized at that moment that I am not his mom—I am not doing everything I can for my son right now and the reason is what I feel some shame about.

I think I avoid autism.  I think I avoid the uncomfortable space that research takes me to.  It forces me to look at Matt like a subject and not my son, but it also forces me to face the uncertainty of his future, stare at what we have yet to understand, and accept that there is still so much we don’t know.  That prospect is both exhausting and overwhelming, but in addition to that, it scares me.  Instead, I find myself compensating for his challenges rather than looking for ways to fix them.  I seek for solutions to symptoms versus cures. 

I’m not entirely sure why I do this—perhaps because I tell myself he isn’t broken and doesn’t need fixing.  Perhaps because a lot of the “cures” are still just theories…unproven by science, but worked for someone who knows someone who had a son who did something similar to Matt that went away when he made this simple change.  Perhaps it feels hard to me—requires a lot of work that I don't know will pay off.  Perhaps I don’t like change and dread instability (trial and error).  Perhaps because I can’t fathom it can be simple.  Perhaps because I think a lot of it just sounds plain crazy. And, perhaps I don't know how to do or feel strong enough to do some of what I know will be required of me to really help him.

I purport that I would try anything, but I find myself avoiding looking for creative possibilities because I cannot wrap my head around them.  I find myself resistant to research and reading because it requires me to face my fears about autism and Matt’s other disabilities, and to be open, vulnerable, and emotional.  Research sounds logical, and it often is.  In this case, however, it is anything but logical—it is deeply, deeply emotional because it is about my son.—my biggest challenge, my hardest mountain.  He brings out my demons and somehow reveals the best my soul has to offer at the same time.  I cannot figure out how to do what I need to—search far, wide, weird, and deep—to discover exactly what my Matt needs without feeling like it might bury me. 

I say that with tears flowing freely, recognizing that this confession might make me sound horrible, but comforted by the fact that this also represents a new resolve.  I have to do things differently if I want to get different results.  I don’t even know what the first step is.  No one can hand it to me, gift me the knowledge, figure it out on my behalf.  This is my journey because I have to do something with what I learn—implement by trial and error some of the different theories until we find the things that work for our unique little man.  I would love to delegate this, but instead I will continue to thank the dream team we are currently surrounded by and try so hard to be more open and listen more, read more, learn more without judgment, reservation or fear. 

Stephen Covey always said “R&I Julie.  R&I.”  Resourcefulness and initiative.  Time to put on some big girl panties and exercise a little R&I. 

Diarrhea from the Heart

Some writers describe getting writers block.  If that is the equivalent of writers constipation, then I am about to have writers diarrhea because I have no idea what I'm going to say, but feel like a whole lot of thoughts with very little consistency or form (hows that for graphic?) are about to come out.

I'm sitting on a beach in Maui where I have spent the past several days with three other women, two that I met when I landed here and one that I have admired and respected since the day I met her, but had yet to spend any significant amount of time with. It was a bit of a crazy, "meant to be" trip--from the day she invited me, I felt compelled, against all logic, to go and then my loving, adorable (insert many other sappy adjectives here) husband enabled me to come by purchasing plane tickets, taking days off work, and adjusting his plans so that our littles would have him in my absence.  I told almost no one--I almost felt guilty that I was running away because this trip came on the tail end of a couple of family trips to our cabin and only a few months after another girls trip.  AND it only proceeds a trip for my 40th by a few weeks.  Talk about spoiled.  I was almost embarrassed to admit that I was running away....again.  So I was quiet and tried to kind of hide it from people a little.

It wasn't until I arrived that I realized this is exactly what I needed.  Unlike any trip I have been on before, this was definitely an "adult" trip--I am with three women that are very independent, not anxious to please or to coddle, and all here for their own varying reasons.  We have spent as much time alone as we have together and each been responsible for meeting our own needs (I'm talking more emotional than anything) while here.  We've had great conversations, done several activities, and then separated and fed our own souls for blocks of hours at a time.  This is foreign to me.  I have never done that before.  I had ALONE time.  Seriously....when does a Mom get that?  NEVER.  I admit, it felt strange.  Not the least bit lonely...just foreign.

I realized that I shed a LOT of roles while here--mother, wife, daughter, ward missionary, pianist, friend, cook, maid, teacher, therapist, business owner, consultant.  For this week, I was just Julie.

In my long (hours) walks on the beach by myself, as I would listen to music and think, I learned a few things about myself.  I think I spend so much time hanging out with and worrying about others that I forget who I am just a little and morph into who they need me to be.  This week, I thought about what I like vs. don't like, what gives me energy vs. things I do out of expectation or obligation.  I thought about how I perceive myself and what shapes my identity.  I had a couple of pretty stark, pretty obvious realizations that I hadn't considered for awhile.

The first is how I still tend to compare myself to others.  While working for Stephen Covey, he would talk about 5 metastasizing cancers, one of which is comparison.  It is called a cancer because it is a sickness that overtakes the good stuff and slowly but surely creeps into every part of who we are, if left unchecked.  It is human nature to look at others and almost unconsciously "rank" ourselves accordingly to what we perceive about them--she's cuter (more fit, more attractive, more talented, more interesting, more capable, more compassionate....blah blah blah) than I am.  That automatically makes us "less than" by comparison.  The same is also true in reverse...thinking we are better looking (more fit, more capable, a better parent, a more patient person...blah blah blah) than someone else.  This elevates us by comparison and pride, egotism, arrogance and other super ugly things creep in.  Neither is constructive.  Worst part is that if we start to foster a comparison-based identity, we lose who we are entirely and become a function of what we see/perceive in others and how we stack up.

I believe, intellectually, that this is literally a slap in the face to the God that created us in all of our uniqueness and beauty.  He created no one perfect, but gave each of us a part of Him--we literally have the DNA of Divinity within us.  Comparing ourselves to others and therefore trying to become more like so-and-so or less like so-and-so distracts us from our individual missions and purpose.  If our focus is based on comparisons, we will never measure up.

I do this.  I spend a lot of time looking around me, often comparing the parts of myself about which I am the most insecure to the people that I love the most.  This does not help our friendships.  Instead of rejoicing in how beautiful, well dressed, poised, confident, competent, intelligent, talented, etc. my friend (or another person) is, I think it somehow makes me less.

There is a difference between comparing ourselves to others and being inspired by others.  The latter takes a certain confidence to start with--we have to believe ourselves capable of becoming more to actually start making progress in that direction.  If we are inspired by someone, we want to be more like them, and we rejoice in the steps of our journey to get there, grateful for the example they represent in our lives.  Doing this strengthens our relationships with others--allows them to me more open and genuine vs. making us anxious because we are constantly worried about how we stack up.  Its kind of like that friend you watch and then get excited when they grow a zit on their perfect skin, or gain a pound on their skinny body rather than being excited for them as they work towards being their best self as well.

I am literally surrounded by some of the most incredible people a woman could ask for--women that TRULY inspire me.  I could name them and tell you in a LONG LONG list what, about each, makes me want to be a better person.  But I have to fight the temptation, still, at the age of almost 40 (this is not a teenage problem only, I have sadly discovered) to compare myself and feel less because they are so much better than I am in so many ways.  Recently, as I have battled some pretty significant trials in our home life with Matt, I have become less and less confident about my ability to parent a child with special needs, where stability and consistency are but a pipe dream.  Unfortunately, when you feel weak in one area, it can easily spread and make you insecure in others as well.  Not sure why my inability to manage Matt's behavior somehow makes me less of a good pianist, or a slower runner, or a worse dresser, but it does.  That, my friends, is because I start to fall into this comparison trap.  I need to and plan to (I WILL) work on this.

The other thought I had is that I am scared, literally frightened, to go back to real life.  My life is no walk in the park (or on the beach, as I have blissfully experienced a number of times this week), but it is GOOD.  It is fully of joy.  Full of challenges, full of chaos, full of sleeplessness, full of scratching, full of children fighting for my attention, full of demands, full of responsibilities, but oh so full of love.  Wouldn't trade it for anything.  Why, then, am I scared?

I think it is because I want to go back better than I left.  Leaving is always hard on the whole family (perhaps I inflate my importance when I think they are somehow going to fall into a state of complete disarray when I depart, but I do know they at least miss my cooking), and my time away had better be gosh-darn well spent for the sacrifice they all had to make so I could be here.  I know I need to come home a better Mom than I left.  However, I also know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions....and no matter how well-intended I am after my period of introspection and recommitment, when I get home, it gets really real really fast.  I'm scared I will continue to want to throw Matt across the room when he scratches my foot for the 17th time while I'm trying to make dinner.  I'm afraid I will hear that horrible, angry voice that I use when I get irritated all too soon after returning.  I worry I will start to get jealous again of the typical families I see doing typical things with typical children that only use typical bad behaviors in public.  I fear that selfish me will start to resent my life rather than keeping the perspective I have right now that my life is the perfect life for me.

The road to hell may be paved with good intentions, but good intentions can lead to better behavior, so I guess it is still a good place to start.

Maui has been good for my Julie soul.  For 5 blissful days, the only thing chasing me has been a sea turtle.  I am excited to be needed again, to step back into my 75 roles, and to try to be a better Julie in the midst of the madness that I cherish as my life.  Heaven help me to do it better every day....to "use" my sources of inspiration to help me become more...to keep growing and morphing into the Mom, wife, daughter, friend, cook, maid, teacher, therapist, etc. that I am supposed to be.

Voices in my Head

With a title like that, I sound like a crazy person.  Perhaps that would be an appropriate deduction, given that I feel like a bit of a crazy person lately.

I hear voices that tell me about my shortcomings.  They sometimes whisper.  Sometimes the tone of them is constructive (you really should spend more time with your children rather than worrying about how clean the house is....or perhaps you should play with your kids a little more rather than packing your schedule so tight that you will miss something if you do).  Other times, it is the opposite and I feel mentally and emotionally a little beat up by what they have to say.

Lately, the voices are saying things like this:  "Matthew hates you--you're the one he behaves the worst for."  "Adi's acting out because she doesn't get what she needs from you."  "Liam isn't very strong because you aren't spending enough time working with him."  "You are Matthew's Mom.  You should know how to handle him better than anyone and you suck at it."  "You are mean to your poor husband and take all of your frustrations out on the most selfless man you know."  Yeah....not so productive.

Matthew has taken his aggression to a new level--he kicks SO HARD and will literally do 360's on the floor, flailing his legs, to avoid having you pick him up and move him during a transition from one activity to the next.  Where I used to be able to just kind of "help" (motor him) through a transition, I end up dodging appendages and have to be swift like a ninja during a pause in his kicks to grab onto his armpits, poke my fingers into them, and lift to get him to stand and start moving in the right direction.  I can still pick up his 63 lbs, but I am not strong enough to hold him once the limbs go into motion.  He is lunging at me with scratches--what used to be a little clawing at my hands (slight understatement, given that it sometimes drew blood) has now turned into full-fledged cat-fight moves.  And my sweet little Adi--she is too little to really defend herself and her reflexes are no match for Matthew's speed when he goes after her little head of hair and yanks hard enough to give her whiplash.  There is not warning as to when the aggression will start--it seems to be impulse-driven--and it is starting to take a toll on our family.

I spent some time this weekend helping my 200 lb brother in law who has Down Syndrome move from place to place with an injured knee.  Going potty is a feat when your legs don't work very well.  Unfortunately, his health has been very compromised for years, so adding this injury to it has made it tough on him.  I kept thinking that my poor, post-polio mother-in-law is his primary care taker....and she does it!  She can handle it.  My sister in law says that she has angels that help her.  I believe that.  And I'm now starting to ask, where are mine?  She can physically, emotionally, and mentally handle, and has handled for 40 years, my sweet brother-in-law (after whom our Matthew was named).  I'm half her age and have only been at this for 7 years.  Am I as strong as she is?

On one of our more difficult days this week, another voice--this time not in my head, but an actual out-lout one--told me something that I have reflected on a number of times.  One of Matt's ABA tutors came for his usual session on Friday.  I saw her coming and walked out the front door to meet her.  We had a house full of people and it was all I could do to hold it together while juggling their needs with Matt's behaviors and all of that fun stuff.  I saw her and let go of Matt's hands in a literal hand off, saying, "he's yours!  I can't!" And I proceeded to start bawling.  Verbal vomit followed as I described to her everything he had been doing that was difficult and frustrating.  I ended by quoting one of the voices in my head, "I'm his Mom!  I should know how to handle him better than anyone and I suck at it!"  She listened to me with total empathy and got some tears in her eyes as she basically said that this is hard.  No one knows just how hard because they don't live your life.  We deal with it for a few hours and you are on duty 24-7.  It's OK that you admit it is hard.

What she said next brought me so much comfort and, for a little while, silenced all the other voices.  She said, "Matthew is one of the happiest kids I know.  That is a reflection on YOU.  You and Todd are raising him in a home that is happy!  You are positive people.  You see the good in him.  You love him and build him and are raising him in a way that makes him happy!"  What?!?  We have done something right?  I guess I never credited us with Matt being happy--I just figured we got lucky because he is cute and, for the most part, a really happy kid.  But I think she is right!  We nurture happy here!  I am grumpy a lot lately, I feel like, but somehow the happy penetrates the grumpy and gets through.  His happy spirit is a reflection of our intention.

Silence ye voices!

I was giving a presentation once about habits to a group and the speaker before me talked about how you can't just break a habit...you have to replace a habit.  I think the voices in our head are the same way.  We can't just will them to go away--we have to replace them with more positive voices.  Not that the two have to get into a screaming match until one gives in and retreats.  Rather, we simply need to allow ourselves to see the good and, as crazy as it sounds, allow the good thoughts to articulate themselves in our minds.  In other words, rather than just allowing them to be fleeting thoughts, dwell on them a bit and give them words.  The more we listen to the voices and entertain them, the deeper their roots become and the harder they are to get rid of.  I guess what I'm saying is that we need to deepen the roots of the positive voices so they actually stick.

So again, i write a post of something I am struggling with.  There are more voices in my head, unrelated to parenthood and even wifehood, that also need silencing.  As easy as it is for me to put words to this thought, it is something I feel like I am struggling with a lot lately.  So this is my therapy--to articulate the thought because once it is clear, I am more responsible for holding myself accountable to it.  And, in the spirit of this post, I am totally capable, I am up to the task, and I am confident that God didn't make a mistake when he gave me this crazy crew, so I must be the right Mom for this job.  High five happy voices!

What goes up....

Are you ever smack in the middle of something fantastic, thoroughly enjoying yourself, when you suddenly talk yourself out of enjoying yourself anticipating its end?  Autism is a roller coaster--you have super low lows followed by these exhilarating highs which send you back to a low, often down a hill that leaves your stomach at the top and makes you feel like you might puke.  We had one of those bottom-of-the-pit lows recently as we went through everything with Matthew's neurological stuff, the issues with his knee, and some destructive, aggressive, harmful behaviors that I thought were going to make me lose my mind (or run away) . While in the middle of all of that, I could not see that things were going to improve and kind of was a lump of discouragement, struggling to keep running from this doc to that one, one therapist to the next, making a million phone calls, doing research, reasoning through decisions, and trying not to kill my other children because my patience was sooo tapped.  Oh yeah, and I helped start another business in the midst of all of this.  I really, genuinely started having thoughts of running away or hiding.  Finally, I put everything on hold and started to take one thing at a time.

I detailed the Mamma Gut experience in my last post--how I just did not feel like the diagnosis the neurologist gave us was right and I was reluctant (putting it mildly) to medicate Matthew based on her "theory" which my WebMD education didn't gel with.  Well, we took the scientific approach and I was awarded the opportunity to gloat (I only did so with those I was closest to...and several hundred facebook friends) when we discovered that what we were seeing was not, in fact, epileptic.  Talk about a relief.  Unfortunately, though we were thrilled that we did not medicate and Matthew was not having several seizures a day, we did discover a significant abnormality in his EEG which was not explained by her debunked theory.  She said what she saw was a pattern consistent with what are called benign rolandic seizures. Mind you, the word benign is operative here....and that was pretty much the only word I heard.  She basically said that, at some point, the patterns might indicate he is going to start having seizures--as in the big kind (grand mal).  Therefore, we were instructed to start coming in for annual EEG's to monitor these patterns and she requested I come see her in 6 months.

Simultaneously, we were working to figure out what to do about Matthew's chronic subluxation of the right knee cap.  It literally pops out ALL the time.  It's gross.  Well, it used to be....doesn't even phase me anymore.  The first doctor told us to do PT--we did and within a week, the PT said it was pretty much pointless.  Clear to her was the fact that this was not a muscular issue or something that could be fixed by strengthening muscles.  The doc rejected her theory and, several hundred (more like thousand) dollars and many many hours later, we sought a second opinion from someone who applauded her for her insight.  She was right.  We were then referred to a specialist at Shriners hospital who discovered that Matthew does have a  knee issue that will require surgery to repair (boo), but that the surgery is not urgent (yay).  We are in a holding pattern, waiting for the knee to cause him more pain or increased instability to the point of interfering with daily activity.

Medical stuff out of the way, we were still soooo stressed about Matthew's behaviors--he was scratching me in the face, scratching my hands until they bled, pulling Adi's hair, pulling my hair, lashing out at Liam, having intense vocal outbursts....I think I described most of those behaviors in a previous post.  Well....here's the interesting thing.  After we sedated Matthew for the second time (24 hr EEG), we noticed that a lot of those behaviors just started to disappear.  Just as quickly as they had come on (think Thanksgiving flight where a switch flipped), they started to go away.

I call the past two months our our months of miracles.  Matthew started to show and express more affection and now, multiple times a day, hugs and kisses us and initiates cuddles.  He tells us he loves us....spontaneously.  We feel so connected to him because of this change that I cannot describe what it has done to our hearts and our relationship with him.  We waited 7 years for that....and believe you me, it is not a gift/blessing that we take for granted.  As I put Matthew's pants on every morning, I say "one leg, two leg" out of habit, and he almost always chooses that moment, as I kneel in front of him, to lean his little face in and give me a fat wet kiss as he says "hug! hug!" He then throws he 60 pounds into me so hard it almost knocks me off balance every time.  Without fail, I stop what I am doing, throw my arms around him, and squeeze him in the tightest, most tender hug and take a moment to be grateful.  Talk about a fantastic way to start my day.  I might mention (because poop always has to come up), that this hugging session is usually right after I have changed and cleaned up a massive explosion, so the little bit o' love is extra appreciated after what I have just endured.  

Matthew also decided that he is not longer Matthew--he is MATT.  He had a tutor come over one day and we were talking about how frustrating it is that he can't say his name (we have been working on it forEVER), and she commented, "too bad his name isn't Bob."  Ding ding!  "His name could be Matt," I replied and Matthew chimed in saying "Matt! Matt!"  Ever since then, you can ask him his name and he enthusiastically replies, "Matt!"  If we slip and call him Matthew, we are frequently (and sternly) corrected.  He is definitely Matt.  I love that he wants that!  He also turned 7.  He had been practicing his response to "how old are you?" and had "six" nailed, so we were worried.  Within about a week, he was consistently, "seben."  He had been labeling things fairly well by pointing and naming an object.  The list was fairly limited, but I was so excited about those he could label and thrilled he was pointing at things.  Well, we noticed his list suddenly increasing and started a program as part of his therapy to push for two word requests--"want_____" was the first.  He nailed things like "want cookie" and "want book" and, shockingly (sarcasm intended), "want phone" within a week or two.  And then all of a sudden, it exploded into "I want book" and "want a phone" and "play shake" (thank you Taylor Swift for inspiring Matthew to talk) and "eat cookie" and "help please" and all sorts of other short, but very definite phrases to make requests. He started standing by the piano while I play, clapping and saying "play again please" when I stop.  That ability to articulate something that in turn manipulates his environment has given him an element of control and that control has calmed him.  He seems less anxious, his vocal outbursts have decreased, the negative behaviors have started to go away.  I listen to a respond to his requests all day, in awe that Matt has a voice.  He literally has a voice for the first time.  Well, he HAD a voice (and a loud one at that), but he contributes to our day and makes his desires and opinions known.  It is the most incredible feeling.

Just a couple of months ago, I remember wondering if we were going to face a life of never knowing what was in his head because I couldn't imagine how he would ever possibly communicate. Yes, there are devices to help in that regard, but his ability to reason and put thoughts together seems pretty delayed as well.  I was concerned that an intellectual disability would prevent him from every being able to functionally use them.  I kind of feel like this is a glimpse of hope that he will talk to us someday.  We are going to see the heartfelt prayers of our family (especially sweet Liam who has said many a prayer asking "help Matthew to talk") be answered.

Todd and I have talked about how blessed we feel a LOT lately.  We feel like these bursts of progress represent little miracles and we feel so optimistic.  Well, I got a call today that Matthew had what appeared to be a seizure at school.  This was the second time in a month--after the first, I immediately called the neurologist and was told to do nothing....just monitor.  Both times, his head slumped over, his eyes fluttered and he was completely unresponsive to touch or his name for about 30 seconds.  He was pretty tired both days after that experience.  There was a tiny piece of me that thought, "here we go!" and I started to anticipate the sharp decline that leaves my stomach at the top of the hill.  I called the neurologist and was told that she wants me to come in and talk about meds.  Mamma gut started to scream and I cancelled an appointment I had and am on the hunt for a new pediatric neurologist--we've got to figure this out, I realize, but I also don't want to rush into anything or be pressured into anything or do anything knee-jerkish because this is a scary prospect.  Rather, I feel calm and I'm going to continue to monitor things and find the right doc to help us figure this out.

I guess the reason that I felt like I needed to write this is because I often neglect to acknowledge the good. I am always searching for something I can wrap my head around while in the midst of the hard.  I find such valuable lessons there and am so grateful for the insights that come with the tough experiences.  However, equally important is to cherish the top of the hill.  I needed to write it down so that I will remember that we have seen some pretty incredible miracles these past months.  To someone else, they might seem like little things.  To us, they are the biggest.  Rather than let them pass and look for the next lesson, I wanted to write them down so I can cherish them a bit.  When the next make-me-want-to-puke hill decent starts, I hope I can remember that what goes down also must go back up.