Chill Out, Mamma

Todd and I were on a short get-away to celebrate our 10 year anniversary this past weekend.  We were with two other couples—some of our dearest friends—and this trip represented a reunion of sorts.  We used to spend time as a group doing the most random things we could possibly think of.  We would rotate who planned the weekend/outing and the other couples had to just go along with whatever they had put together.  The more random, the better.

Though the weekend’s plans weren’t outrageous or all that random, we were reminded of why we love these friends.  They help us not take ourselves too seriously.

Todd and I have a life that is FILLED.  It is full and rich in the way those terms are typically used…for sure!  But it is also filled….filled with “stuff” that is important, but tends to bring out the serious and structured side of us.  We have a schedule that is planned out 6 months in advance (nature of the beast in his profession).  We have therapies and activities and all sorts of projects and problems we are facing and fighting (nature of the beast when you have children).  To some, we seem crazy.  To us, this “filled” life feels normal.

However, we realized something—having a filled life with a lot of serious stuff can lead us to take ourselves too seriously.  Never before in my life can I remember trying to consciously be fun or have fun or plan fun or add fun.  It just happened.  But now, I almost feel like I’m so focused on anticipating needs and making things happen that I forget to be and have fun.  Is that a pathetic revelation?  One of the things that drives Todd the most is his desire for fun—he is a fun seeker.  I realized with a bit of a jolt this weekend that I am often a fun avoider when the “fun” requires spontaneity and flexibility.  I think I have become so accustomed to “filled” that I almost fear the fun because it might mess up my schedule.  OH MY GOSH.  What has happened to me????

While walking through the shops in Carmel, Todd and I started talking about writing a book of all of the things that we have learned and experienced raising a child with autism and, we are discovering, a variety of other special needs.  Todd asked me the “why” question—what would the purpose of this type of project be?  My response was that I feel like “autism Mom’s” and other mother’s who have children with special needs (myself included) get caught in this trap of trying SO HARD to do what is right and best for their child that they lose balance and forget to live with and love the child that is right in front of them.  I suggested that the “why” is to help other families, through our trips and stumbles as we learn this ourselves, realize the importance of balance within their own families—not neglecting the other family members because of a hyper-focus on the child with special needs.  I think we can accomplish that by talking about what we learned (and the experiences that taught us), and how we applied that to our life as a whole—our other children, our other relationships, etc.  We often get so caught up in advocacy, research, experimenting with different “treatments” and diets, therapy, appointments, observation, and just plain hard work that we forget to enjoy that child AND give our other children/family members the same amount or level of attention, in both success and failure, recognizing accomplishments with the same enthusiasm, grieving when they struggle with the same degree of sincerity, etc. 

Here’s the connection: I realized that what I feel so strongly about—BALANCE—is the key to that philosophy and that philosophy is something I need to be doing my very best to practice day in and day out as I approach things with Matt.  Part of that is that I need to enjoy my other children more.  I need to make more time for fun with them.  I consciously stopped doing daily therapy with Matt so that I could focus more on simply enjoying him because my every minute with him was peppered with “how can I squeeze in more therapy” and I was stressed out when I didn’t get it all in.  Well, I’m looking at my other kids now and saying “how can I be more productive in my time with them?” every second of every day.  Sometimes the most productive thing I can do with and for them is to just enjoy them—to have fun with them.  Duh.

Time is the hardest gift for me to give because I feel like our time is so “filled.”  It is also the greatest gift we can give our children.  My goal is to reverse my “give me five minutes and then I’ll play” to be “lets play for 5 minutes and then I’ll try to finish this” so I’m sure the best use of my time is prioritized.  How we use our time is the best indication of what our priorities truly are—are they selfishly spent on things that make me happiest (i.e. a clean house, organized closet, projects, etc.), even unconsciously?  I have to give more than lip service to the idea that my children, next to God and my husband, are the very most important and precious to me and then do more of what makes THEM the happiest.

I have thought a lot lately about how Matt gives us a gift in his obsession with electronics because he keeps our entire family from becoming addicted to things that I feel are almost cancerous to family relationships.  I internally applaud us for watching so little TV and for spending so little time on our phones and think about how much more connected we will be in the long run because we just plain have to “check our electronics at the door” when our dude is around.  Maybe part of that is a way to make me feel better about what has been a HUGE struggle in our lives—his obsession makes our home life very challenging.  It also makes going out in public hard as there are literally electronics everywhere and all impulse control goes out the door as he pick-pockets people and pounces on strangers in an attempt to steal their devices. However, we have our other demons and distractions.  Shockingly, the good can distract us just as quickly from the “better” and “best” as total time wasters can distract us from that which is most important.  Good for me equals planning, schedules, strict rules, structure.  Better and best likely require a little more flexibility because it involves more listening, connection, and following the Spirit and less efficiency.  

My commitment is to have more fun.  I’m being serious.  I need to chill out.  Wish me luck.