Last weekend we went to Sunriver with our family and one other. The weather was spectacular--mid-70's, blue skies, just a few billowy clouds, and LOTS of vibrant colors as the leaves are smack in the middle of their fall color burst. Some of the trees literally looked like they were covered in sparkly gold coins. It was incredible and a total feast in the beauty of God's creations.
On Saturday afternoon, we ventured to Cultus Lake and were graced with the warmest of temperatures, in spite of the fact that we were a ways up the mountain, and lots of sunshine. Kids staked their claim on small rock islands they could wade out to because the water was still low from the summer. We paddle-boarded, had hammocks set up and hanging from trees, sprawled snacks out of a nearby picnic table, and played. Bliss....you'd think. It should have been. It might have been.....
Days like these--the FUN days--are hard for me because of our circumstances with Matt. He can't sit still. He doesn't have a clue what to do with himself. When everyone else is content to run around and entertain themselves through creative play, Matt is anxiously yelling at me for "song, pad, shake, funk, bass, 'vi-fi,' connect, ad" and irritated when I can't figure out how to meet those needs. He is constantly grabbing (translate "clawing" because I had yet to clip his razor-nails) my arm, my face, my leg, my boob, my thigh, my side....whatever he can access and inflict pain upon. He wants "snaaaack" even after he has finished his and everyone else's food, and will do puzzles and cards, but I lose my sanity after doing each of those things 37,000 times on the blanket I've spread across the sharp rocks.
My problem is this--I've almost started to dread "fun" because what is fun for everyone else usually ends up being really frustrating for me. Part of the problem, self-inflicted I realize, is that I feel the need to take it on. Todd always offers and is super willing to help, but I want to protect him and give him the chance to relax and play. That is more important to him than it is to me, so I take Matt in a desire to help him meet his needs. By the end of these types of days, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, surrounded by a family that is recharged and happy....and I feel sorry for myself.
Part of why I feel sorry for myself isn't because of a few hours of crazy, but more because of what it represents for my future--I have a hard time seeing a future where it won't be that way. When I start to think about it that way, it makes me feel claustrophobic in my life. I told Todd that I almost dread "fun" now....I almost don't know how to HAVE fun anymore because I get so anxious that it won't be fun because of the Matt dynamic. Not even sure if that makes any sense.
Fast forward....I was on a run this morning and reflecting on a few things. One of them was that trip and how I have felt a little down since then. The other thing is my relationship with Adi--she is REALLY in the mode of pushing my buttons and I'm worried about how to parent through this. When you can see your kids feeling entitled and talking to you in a way that isn't as respectful as you remember needing to talk to adults when you were little, it's an unsettling feeling. I worry about it most because of what it means for the future--what is she going to be like as an adult? It has started to make me question my parenting and, in the moments when the going gets tough, I'm finding that I'm shutting down....not losing my cool as much as loosing my energy. I'm exhausted of the same conversations, the same attempt at teaching, the same "deep breath Julie" reminders to myself, the same boiling blood while I speak in forced-kind-voice. Not only do I despise how I sound in my own ears....I despise who I am becoming as a parent--a fun-dreading forced-voice faking nice parent who is petrified about the future. Super fun.
Intermission....I have been studying a lot about the eternities in my callings teaching institute and an adult religion class. Doing that has caused me to reflect a lot on where we came from and where we are going as well as what the future holds for us as human beings on this earth. The purpose of life has become increasingly clear to me as well as my knowledge of God, our Savior Jesus Christ and their role in our lives. Sometimes, however, in my attempts to understand everything, I get annoyed with distractions in the moment--my kids interrupting as I prep for a class. Oh, the hypocrisy when I'm studying about the example of Jesus and then get irritated with the child in front of me who is vying for my love and attention. Instead of following His example (WWJD), I find myself yelling, ignoring, brushing off, etc.
Now fast-backwards (as my kids affectionately term a rewind)....several weeks ago, I was having a talk with a friend about revelation and how to determine real from counterfeit answers. For example, every time before I go on a trip, I get super anxious before we leave. My question to her is how do I know that isn't Heavenly Father trying to tell me that going on this trip is not right? How do I stop the thoughts of "What if there is a terrorist attack where we are and we can't get home?" or "what if Matt chokes while we are gone and dies?" or "what if everyone is in a horrible accident?" all so that Todd and I could selfishly go on a trip?? AHHHH! I am really good at spiraling myself into a tragic, horrible worst-case story and keep wondering if those thoughts are God's way of saying DON'T GO! Her insight to me was soooo profound (and I am going to quote what she said in a talk she recently gave after I summarize the insight). She said that Satan uses fear as a counterfeit for warning. When Heavenly Father uses fear, it is to stop us from doing something in our immediate future--like halt us in our tracks. If we are trying our best to be in tune, he will redirect us or course-correct us--block us somehow, be it through a stupor or just plain clarity when something doesn't go right that it is His will. He does not, and never will, cause feelings of anxiety and fear about something in the future. Satan does that--he attempts to paralyze us by playing on our own emotions. If he can keep us from doing things or turn us into fear-dodging anxiety ridden, depressed, insecure people, it makes it really difficult for us to make progress and be movers/shakers in this crazy world. Here is the quote from her talk:
“The mental and emotional taunts fired at us through the devils whispered suggestions are like darts of fiery, burning poison. The scriptures refer to these whisperings as the “fiery darts of the adversary”. Satan is a master at manipulating emotions through these whisperings. He knows how to create worry and doubt, fear, hatred, resentment and loneliness...no such feelings like these come from light.”
I love the verse in 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” When my mind is not "sound," I've started to realize that I need to question the source of the unrest--Satan or God. If course corrections are necessary, my quest for a "sound mind" will lead me there. I cannot hang out in the "muddy mind" space for very long without giving Satan a victory.
Back to my run....I started to realize that there was a trend. A lot of the things I was worried, anxious, had a muddy mind about, etc. were sabotaging me from being what and who I wanted to be in present tense. I was letting my anxiety about the future (frustration about my fun-dread, worry about Adi as an adult, concern that I will be the worst parent ever) prevent me from being the person I wanted to in the moment. Rather than glancing at and using the future as a point of reference to make sure I'm headed in the right direction, I was obsessing about it and allowing it to taint my moments. The irony is that the cumulative effect of those moments is what makes the future.
I also started to realize something really foreign to me....that I'm not doing a good job of taking care of myself (self-care). I could tell you everyone else's needs and I do my best to meet and even anticipate those needs, but I cannot, if you give me a billion dollars, tell you what my own are. I am starting to not know myself. And if you don't know your own needs, you can't meet them (and you also can't get mad at other people for not meeting them which is part of what I tend to do in my mind). WHAT?! I know my SOUL better--who I really am and my potential as a daughter of God--but I don't know what I WANT or NEED right now to make me feel better, stronger, happier. I know what my husband, kids, parents, friends might need.....and then my mind is blank when it comes to my own. I also have had a few super-humbling experiences recently where I did a crap job of some of the things that I thought I was really good at--that were part of my identity. That isn't really helping this little crisis.
I determined that, as constructive as being goal-oriented is, there is wisdom to "living in the moment" as well. That isn't something I have ever been very good at. Living in the moment requires that I also know myself and my own needs so that I can ENJOY living in the moment a little more....so that I can say "hey, I need help with Matt so I can enjoy this day as well" rather than protecting everyone else. I have thought the thoughts...but literally cannot bring myself to say them. I think I'm broken.
So where do I start? I'm not totally sure. But I've got to figure that out. My goal is to take a step in that direction this week. I'm searching for my "sound mind." I'll let you know what I figure out...
Saturday, October 27, 2018
Monday, May 28, 2018
I Need a Re-Do
We just got back from a vacation to Hawaii--just Liam, Adi, Todd and myself. We left Matt in the hands of a very capable sitter and went off for some uncomplicated time coupled with a dental meeting. We had all been anticipating this vacation for a long time--we "gifted" it to the kids for Christmas and they were beyond excited. By the time the trip came round, I felt my mind and body literally aching for a break--I was thrashed and Todd felt the same way. We needed this time.
After all of the planning and logistics were set aside, particularly related to Matt, and all my tears at leaving him behind had been shed, I fully expected myself to be able to just let go and relax--enjoy my kids for the first time in a long time because there were no schedules to fight over, no chores to debate, no responsibilities to juggle....and no Matt which brings with it its own set of complications ridden with Mamma guilt. So I was anticipating simple, uncomplicated, love-filled family time. We even set up a "system" to help prevent fighting--kind of a "three-strikes" system with a horrible punishment attached to it (which worked, by the way).
As we were leaving, I had a chat with Liam and Adi to "frame" what I needed from them--I told them this was intended to be a vacation for us (the parents) as well and we needed them to not be....well...needy. We needed them to be cooperative, to listen, to not argue, and to take care of themselves a little (i.e. be responsible for your own crap).
It didn't take me long to realize that every pre-framing conversation, every attempt to create this beautiful, relaxing experience that I pictured, was completely in vain. This vacation was destined to be something other than what I pictured in my head. Now, here's the problem....rather than embrace what it was going to be, I was irritated beyond belief that it was not what I had envisioned. Here is the un-edited version of how it felt.
The kids didn't fight, but they literally did not stop making noise. If they weren't talking and wanting a response, they were singing--making up songs and singing them so loudly. They went so far as to make the most annoying sounds they could come up with--goat noises and other animals. I think their ears may have gone on vacation because it took them forever to get moving every day--I felt like I had to leave the room to get them to panic and follow. I couldn't do anything without an appendage, including shower--every shower I took was with Adi. I couldn't go potty by myself because she always wanted to be in the stall with me and wouldn't go into her own. When we would go to bed and wake up, it was with them...which is introvert hell. Zero time to myself.
All of this is TOTALLY NORMAL kid stuff, but I could not no feel frustrated. The more the week progressed, the more annoyed I was. The more annoyed I was, the less fun I was. The less fun I was, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more irritated I was with them. Here's the irony--I would tell them this--"guys, I really want to be fun Mom, but it is so hard when I feel like you are ignoring me. Can we work on being better listeners?" And other equally in-vain requests. Again, very normal kids. But when they didn't magically transform into unicorn children, I would get more and more mad at myself for not being more flexible, for not being able to let the annoying things go. The voices in my head were getting louder and louder...."you are so selfish because all you can think about is time by yourself when you are here for family time" or "you have amazing children that are capable of amazing things who just want to have an amazing time and you are getting in the way of that" or "you are letting your kids down by not being more fun! You can't even be fun in Hawaii! That's pathetic" or "you are going to regret not just treasuring this time. Why can't you live in the moment and let go a little?" or "what kind not a horrible human being gets upset with their children for not meeting expectations that are unrealistic because I want to have more peace and quiet?" or "your husband is not going to enjoy being with you at all if you keep being this crusty, lame human being." Those voices were SO LOUD that I literally could not even think straight, much less enjoy myself.
Fortunately, there were days that were better than others, but I honestly felt a little depressed most of the time. It was hard to be loving toward any member of my family, including my husband that I started to resent because he was so capable of being everything I wanted to--fun, relaxed, exciting, full of energy, playing, loving, and fully enjoying himself. When he went to his dental meetings, I stepped it up a little so the kids weren't forced to wallow with me in self-pity and martyrdom at least. Here's the beauty though--they forgave me every time I apologized and still wanted me and my attention even when I was crusty five seconds before. They continued to be oblivious to this internal turmoil and had a wonderful time. They won't remember for a second the moments where I sucked as a Mom and rather came home thanking us over and over for such an amazing trip.
So I went on a run this morning and purposefully didn't take music or a book to listen to. I just thought. And while thinking, realized something I did wrong. I listened to the voices. I would entertain them, agree with them, nod in response to their biting commentary and let them become statements about my worth. And then I would look to my kids to validate me, asking them to fix their behavior because that was where the problem was...or at least if I could think that, it would somehow justify my selfishness and lameness. Rather, what I needed to do was replace those thoughts. Just like you can't will a habit to change (you have to replace it with a new behavior), you can't will thoughts out of your head....you have to replace them with new ones. It was almost like I needed to take those thoughts out, stare at them a little, examine them for credibility, change where I needed to and replace the thought all together with a new, better thought that motivated me to change verses wallow in self-pity. For example, the "I'm selfish because all I can think about is time to myself" thought could have been replaced by a kinder "you are exhausted because you work very hard. It is totally appropriate to ask how we could possibly carve out some time so that you can rejuvenate during this trip as well." Or the thought about letting my kids down because I'm not more fun could be replaced with thoughts of what I do well. I don't naturally do "fun" well and compare myself to Todd and other Mom's who are so good at it. And when I DO play with them and AM fun, give myself credit! Rejoice in the moment that was fun! Or the thoughts about being a horrible human being for wanting peace and quiet could be changed to "kids will be kids!" rather than a commentary about my horribleness.
Once I realized this, I spent the rest of the run doing what I do best--planning. I plan to do better at being nice to myself in my mind. I can still envision the Mom that I want to be and one of the adjectives used to describe her IS fun....but rather than comparing myself and focusing on the gap (how far I am from that person), I will focus on the progress (how I'm getting closer to becoming her). Rather than focusing on what I am not doing well (and where I literally feel like I am failing), I need to focus on what I am doing well and give myself credit for the victories. Because I am naturally a positive person, some of these feelings are really foreign to me--these voices aren't usually so loud! I think listening to them gives them power. But just like light and darkness cannot co-exist, the voices cannot stick around if you replace them, in a very intentional way and after looking at them for a moment, with the truth. Those voices lie sometimes. We have to look at them closely enough to decide what element of truth exists in them so that we are working at becoming better, but then we need to kick them to the curb and replace them with what we KNOW we are and what we are capable of.
After all of the planning and logistics were set aside, particularly related to Matt, and all my tears at leaving him behind had been shed, I fully expected myself to be able to just let go and relax--enjoy my kids for the first time in a long time because there were no schedules to fight over, no chores to debate, no responsibilities to juggle....and no Matt which brings with it its own set of complications ridden with Mamma guilt. So I was anticipating simple, uncomplicated, love-filled family time. We even set up a "system" to help prevent fighting--kind of a "three-strikes" system with a horrible punishment attached to it (which worked, by the way).
As we were leaving, I had a chat with Liam and Adi to "frame" what I needed from them--I told them this was intended to be a vacation for us (the parents) as well and we needed them to not be....well...needy. We needed them to be cooperative, to listen, to not argue, and to take care of themselves a little (i.e. be responsible for your own crap).
It didn't take me long to realize that every pre-framing conversation, every attempt to create this beautiful, relaxing experience that I pictured, was completely in vain. This vacation was destined to be something other than what I pictured in my head. Now, here's the problem....rather than embrace what it was going to be, I was irritated beyond belief that it was not what I had envisioned. Here is the un-edited version of how it felt.
The kids didn't fight, but they literally did not stop making noise. If they weren't talking and wanting a response, they were singing--making up songs and singing them so loudly. They went so far as to make the most annoying sounds they could come up with--goat noises and other animals. I think their ears may have gone on vacation because it took them forever to get moving every day--I felt like I had to leave the room to get them to panic and follow. I couldn't do anything without an appendage, including shower--every shower I took was with Adi. I couldn't go potty by myself because she always wanted to be in the stall with me and wouldn't go into her own. When we would go to bed and wake up, it was with them...which is introvert hell. Zero time to myself.
All of this is TOTALLY NORMAL kid stuff, but I could not no feel frustrated. The more the week progressed, the more annoyed I was. The more annoyed I was, the less fun I was. The less fun I was, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more irritated I was with them. Here's the irony--I would tell them this--"guys, I really want to be fun Mom, but it is so hard when I feel like you are ignoring me. Can we work on being better listeners?" And other equally in-vain requests. Again, very normal kids. But when they didn't magically transform into unicorn children, I would get more and more mad at myself for not being more flexible, for not being able to let the annoying things go. The voices in my head were getting louder and louder...."you are so selfish because all you can think about is time by yourself when you are here for family time" or "you have amazing children that are capable of amazing things who just want to have an amazing time and you are getting in the way of that" or "you are letting your kids down by not being more fun! You can't even be fun in Hawaii! That's pathetic" or "you are going to regret not just treasuring this time. Why can't you live in the moment and let go a little?" or "what kind not a horrible human being gets upset with their children for not meeting expectations that are unrealistic because I want to have more peace and quiet?" or "your husband is not going to enjoy being with you at all if you keep being this crusty, lame human being." Those voices were SO LOUD that I literally could not even think straight, much less enjoy myself.
Fortunately, there were days that were better than others, but I honestly felt a little depressed most of the time. It was hard to be loving toward any member of my family, including my husband that I started to resent because he was so capable of being everything I wanted to--fun, relaxed, exciting, full of energy, playing, loving, and fully enjoying himself. When he went to his dental meetings, I stepped it up a little so the kids weren't forced to wallow with me in self-pity and martyrdom at least. Here's the beauty though--they forgave me every time I apologized and still wanted me and my attention even when I was crusty five seconds before. They continued to be oblivious to this internal turmoil and had a wonderful time. They won't remember for a second the moments where I sucked as a Mom and rather came home thanking us over and over for such an amazing trip.
So I went on a run this morning and purposefully didn't take music or a book to listen to. I just thought. And while thinking, realized something I did wrong. I listened to the voices. I would entertain them, agree with them, nod in response to their biting commentary and let them become statements about my worth. And then I would look to my kids to validate me, asking them to fix their behavior because that was where the problem was...or at least if I could think that, it would somehow justify my selfishness and lameness. Rather, what I needed to do was replace those thoughts. Just like you can't will a habit to change (you have to replace it with a new behavior), you can't will thoughts out of your head....you have to replace them with new ones. It was almost like I needed to take those thoughts out, stare at them a little, examine them for credibility, change where I needed to and replace the thought all together with a new, better thought that motivated me to change verses wallow in self-pity. For example, the "I'm selfish because all I can think about is time to myself" thought could have been replaced by a kinder "you are exhausted because you work very hard. It is totally appropriate to ask how we could possibly carve out some time so that you can rejuvenate during this trip as well." Or the thought about letting my kids down because I'm not more fun could be replaced with thoughts of what I do well. I don't naturally do "fun" well and compare myself to Todd and other Mom's who are so good at it. And when I DO play with them and AM fun, give myself credit! Rejoice in the moment that was fun! Or the thoughts about being a horrible human being for wanting peace and quiet could be changed to "kids will be kids!" rather than a commentary about my horribleness.
Once I realized this, I spent the rest of the run doing what I do best--planning. I plan to do better at being nice to myself in my mind. I can still envision the Mom that I want to be and one of the adjectives used to describe her IS fun....but rather than comparing myself and focusing on the gap (how far I am from that person), I will focus on the progress (how I'm getting closer to becoming her). Rather than focusing on what I am not doing well (and where I literally feel like I am failing), I need to focus on what I am doing well and give myself credit for the victories. Because I am naturally a positive person, some of these feelings are really foreign to me--these voices aren't usually so loud! I think listening to them gives them power. But just like light and darkness cannot co-exist, the voices cannot stick around if you replace them, in a very intentional way and after looking at them for a moment, with the truth. Those voices lie sometimes. We have to look at them closely enough to decide what element of truth exists in them so that we are working at becoming better, but then we need to kick them to the curb and replace them with what we KNOW we are and what we are capable of.
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